Abigail's Road to Nowhere

Anger, Sadness and Moving On

2012-01-23T19:04:00.000-08:00

I've been dreading this past weekend for months. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I have realized that I am a very angry, jealous person, and I need to get a handle on things because it's starting to affect me physically. Stress and sadness are an evil combination. I AM MAD AT ALL THE THINGS.

The past few months went by so fast. We could have been parents right now. But we aren't, and honestly, I highly doubt we ever will be. I'm not being negative, I'm being factual. When you do the math and the science, there isn't any probable reason why we shouldn't have at least a couple kids by now. It's time to try and move on. We can't go on like this. I don't want to be angry at all the women I know who are ready to pop any moment, and I can't get angry at friends who can conceive whenever they want to. It isn't doing me any good to get mad every time I go on Facebook and see people complaining about how hard it is to be 9 months pregnant, because honestly I would kill to be in their shoes right now. I expected that I would be in their shoes right now. But like I said, it isn't doing me any good. It's driving me crazy, and it is unhealthy, and I KNOW that I am better and stronger than that.

We have decided not to do any fertility treatments. I don't trust it, and even after you take out the financial hardship of it all, I don't think that mentally I am strong enough to put myself through it. I don't know what we'll do. We've talked about being foster parents, we've talked about adoption. Who knows, maybe we'll end up being that couple that spends all their money travelling and taking pictures of their food. Maybe we will get pregnant again and nature will deem us to be good enough to procreate, and carry on our family lines.

I'm still angry with Nature, and I'm still not happy about your pregnancies, and all you people that have it so damn easy, but that will pass. I'm working on it. We are still mourning the life I thought I was bringing into the world. The baby that we named and made birth plans for and planned a whole new life around, that we don't get to have. We are mourning our future plans, and frantically trying to come up with new ones.

But, life is good right now. I have the best husband. In my wildest dreams I never thought that I would be lucky enough to have a partner like him. I have a supportive and fabulously silly family. I have two goofy dogs. I have so many friends. I love my house, I love where I live, I love my day job, and all my little projects I have on the side too. It's very hard to think of something that isn't all kinds of awesome in my life.

It's time to let myself start healing, and enjoying things wholeheartedly again. Wish me luck.

Grace in Small Things #71

2012-01-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

1. I am so grateful to work with a team of people who encouraged me to stay home for a few days and get healthy. No guilt trips, no rolling eyes, not even a hint of anger on their part....they just accept the fact that employees get sick, and they want them to get better so they can do their best and feel their best when they come back.

2. Being sick with Smyrish. It's been nice to laze about the house together and watch movies, even though we're coughing and sneezing and constantly blowing our noses. It's forced quality time.

3. Having a heated bathroom floor. The dogs seem to like it too.

4. The sun is shining, and the snow looks so pretty.

Taking Down the Tree

2012-01-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

Smyrish and I put up our very first Christmas tree together this December, and hosted our first Christmas dinner as well. Neither of us have been big Christmas people since we have met. For one, we are not religious in any way, and secondly the holiday is too hectic and expensive. Once we were married, there were too many opportunities for hurt feelings, driving on bad highways, stress, and angry relatives and co-workers that we pretty much just gave it up, and took ourselves out of the game. No one seemed to notice, and it suited us just fine.

This year felt different though. I think that in part, we were feeling more in the Xmas spirit because we were going to be alone. Our immediate families are all in Saskatchewan, and there is always that feeling of "missing out" that plagues me when I can't be everywhere doing everything and seeing everyone. We really do miss them all, and knowing that you don't know when we'll see them again makes you really appreciate people. I think the main reason for feeling all festive, although I didn't think of it at the time, was the fact that we are HOME. For the first time since we moved in together, we know that we are settled. There really wasn't a point in decorating, or having a tree or anything for the first few years we lived together, because I was usually working, and if I wasn't we would spend Xmas at the home of one of our many parents. Then we had our little adventure last year, which really made us appreciate the finer things in life, like having a permanent place to send your mail, and indoor plumbing.

I have always wrestled with the thought of being "settled" in to one place. Settled was boring, it was giving up on life, and closing your mind to new opportunities for adventure. After this past year, I now know that that is only true if you make it so. Being settled is being comfortable, and not in a "I'm giving up" kind of way. Smyrish and I have worked hard to figure out where we want to be.

So, as I drag that dead tree through the living room and throw it out on the lawn today, I will know that even though we have been through more than our fair share of crap in the past year, I wouldn't change a thing, because it got us to where we are right now. We are home, and we are happy, and life is good.

One of Those Days

2012-01-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

I was woken up way earlier than I wanted to be up, but I decided that ringing in the New Year with some coffee and Bailey's wouldn't be a bad idea. While I was searching for the Bailey's, I decided that pancakes and bacon were a good idea too. It has only gone downhill from there.

No matter what I did, the pancakes just kept sticking to the pan. I decided that ugly pancakes were better than no pancakes and powered through the making of breakfast. When I finally had my breakfast on my plate, the dogs started vomiting up some odd substance, that apparently was just as yummy the second time around. I decided to leave them to the floor cleaning, and set my coffee and plate up in the living room, and settled in to spend the day on the couch watching Degrassi High on Netflix only to learn that Netflix is having some sort of trouble getting it's money out of our account, and the only person who can fix this problem is the husband, who is out hunting for treasure. Not wanting to be a negative Nelly, I told myself that if I couldn't watch Degrassi, I could at least have a luxurious bath in our luxurious bathtub. I scampered on up the steps, and as I filled the bath, I found a book to read and turned up the heated floor and smiled to myself for coming up with such a wonderful idea, but when I went to step in the tub, I realized that there wasn't any water in it, and the plug was not doing its plugging duties. After 10 minutes of fighting with the plug, I sat down in the empty tub and washed my hair, thinking that at least if I was clean, I would feel better. I do not.

I think I'm going to go back to bed and start over again later. Happy 2012 everyone!

10 Things that Scare the Crap Out of Me, In Honor of Hallowe'en.

2011-11-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

1. Walking up stairs in which I can see through. I do not need to know how far away I am from the ground.

2. Children in horror movies. Seriously, there's nothing like watching a cute little demonic child terrorize a sleepy mountain town that doesn't make you rethink your plans for becoming a foster parent, or even a biological parent.

3. Turning into a zombie. Seriously, if I get bit, just lob my head off. Don't be a pussy about it, just do it.

4. Unfinished basements. I don't care what you say, but if your basement only has a cement floor and a swinging lightbulb, you are hiding something from me, and no, I will not go downstairs and fetch something out of the freezer for you.

5. Moving into a home that has a mean ghost. I have lived with some weird dead people before, but all of them have been very nice from what I experienced. I do not ever want to live with a spirit that is an asshole.

6. Not only am I terrified of experiencing my own death, but I am really afraid of dying and not having my body found until it is all gross and bloated and eaten by birds and rodents.

7. Aliens. I believe they are out there, and I would really appreciate it if they never, ever set foot in my bedroom at night to take me away and do tests on me. Thanks in advance, space people.

8. Happening upon a dead body while walking in the woods.

9. Showering at night, in a bathroom that doesn't have a locking door. I'm looking at you, hostels and campgrounds.

10. Being the slowest runner in the group.

15 Things That Made Me Happy Today

2011-10-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

1. The warm temperature and the sunshine.

2. Being invited out to karaoke by a new work friend.

3. Kissing my husband.

4. Watching Smyrish "churn" his own butter.

5. Playing "Deal or No Deal" on Facebook.

6. Sitting outside with one of my clients watching airplanes fly by.

7. Watching Patches and Maggie wrestle on the slippery linoleum floor.

8. Egg salad sandwiches.

9. Having a flashlight to use, so I felt safe walking at night.

10. I can breathe out of one nostril.

11. I have lost 5 pounds.

12. The smell of campfire permeating the neighborhood.

13. The amazing Halloween decorations around these parts.

14. Having a "back up" travel mug to use for my coffee.

15. Reminiscing about Casey and Finnegan and Mr. Dressup.

Once Again.......

2011-10-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a few years since the Fall Depression has hit me this hard. Actually, it's been a few years since I've felt this blackened at all. I've managed to keep myself pretty in check the past couple years, or so I think. It's strange how on the most beautiful of Autumn days, it just hits. Just like that. To be honest, I've been fighting it off for a few months now. I guess I just got lazy today and gave the guards a day off.

I've been annoying the hell out of myself so much lately that I am almost happy that my friends aren't here to put up with my mood swings, and at the same time it breaks my heart that my wonderful husband has to bear the brunt of it alone. As it has been my entire life, when I start feeling this way, instead of talking about it, or getting professional help, or telling somebody what I think might be the problem ( because honestly, I never actually know the whole story myself, only bits and pieces) I start getting nit-picky, and judgemental and things that aren't important in the slightest are suddenly the most stressful and frustrating things in the whole world. It's a coping mechanism that I developed early on, so I could push everyone far away, and not have to tell them what's bothering me. When people are angry or annoyed with you, they don't want to talk to you. This helps me keep my secrets and problems to myself, so I can try and find a way to self-soothe and be a god-damned hero or something. On the other hand though, it pushes people away, and the option of having somebody to talk to when you most feel you need them, is gone altogether. It's a flawed plan and coping mechanism, I'll admit. I haven't actually figured out why I do it, or how to stop it. I decided today, that I need to get on that one. If I can answer that question for myself, I should be on the right track.

I am a fairly productive depressed person though. I still make it to work, I get all my chores done, I don't normally burst into tears or throw things in public. I've learned to be a high-functioning total fuck up, which is good, because I don't think I could just lay in bed all day and be sad, although that is what I'm doing right now. I'm already starting to get antsy, and it's only been an hour since I announced I wasn't eating supper and I was going to bed in the late afternoon.

So, bring on the St. John's Wort, the angry independent music, and many, many hours walking around talking to myself. This too shall pass, but this time, it's going to pass without the aid of cigarettes, alcohol, and a pub full of people in the same boat, and the main goal will be not alienating the one person I need out here.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Grace in Small Things #70

2011-10-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

1. The internet. If it wasn't for the internet, I'd be lost and lonely.

Grace in Small Things #69 ( teehee....69)

2011-09-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

1. A quiet house. No music, no television, no telephones ringing, no footsteps up above...it's been a glorious few weeks of silence.

2. Getting a big hug from a new co-worker, just because she felt like it, and sensed that I needed one. She was right, and she saved me from myself today, and she doesn't even know it.

3. Learning your way around a new town.

4. The sound of boats on the water.

5. Hedge clippers. When all else fails, take your anger out on the weeds and bushes.

I Hate Celebrities and Getting My Period

2011-09-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

It's weird, how my whole life I was so against the thought of having children. I was 110% sure that they would just cramp my style, and hold me back from doing all the fun things that I wanted to do in life. Plus, they cost a lot of money, and they're whiny, and a very good friend of mine once pointed out that all children smell like rotten pineapple. ( or was it that pineapple smells like dirty little kids? I can't remember?) However, that is true that they would have cramped my style. Had I had a child earlier in life, I would have missed out on so much. I never would have gotten any travelling done. You can't just hop a train or a plane or a bus and head out of town, or the country, with 24 hours notice if you're a mommy. I wouldn't have all those years of hard-partying under my belt, which I don't regret at all because, DAMN, those were good times. (Those of you who were there for those 10 years can second that motion.) Most importantly, that child would have a daddy that isn't Smyrish, and that just wouldn't be any good at all. Which is maybe why I never really wanted kids. I just hadn't found the right baby daddy yet.

If you asked me ten years ago if I ever worried about possibly not ever being able to carry a child to term, I would have said "Who the fuck cares, I don't want 'em anyways", and had a shot of whatever you were buying.

Now, it's all I can freaking think about. Babies, babies, babies. I still groan and roll my eyes and whisper "ah fuck" under my breath when I get my period every month, but for different reasons than before. I try to ignore Facebook statuses by women who complain about their pregnancies, especially the young women who I honestly don't think are old enough to be even having babies, because I feel like slapping them all. I try my best to avoid my much-loved tabloid magazines and websites, because they are full to the tits with articles about how Kelly Preston/Gwen Stefani/Jane Seymour/Mariah Carey, etc. all had babies at the ripe old age of 65 without any medical interventions whatsoever, and how Beyonce just can't believe what a gift growing a human inside of you is. ( BTW, Did you know that she is THE FIRST woman to ever feel this way? Go Beyonce, you frickin' a-hole!)

The fact is, in biological terms, I am getting old. I know that thirty two isn't old at all in this day and age. Biology doesn't quite agree though, nature would have preferred that a man conked me on the head en route back to my cave and knocked me up at the ripe old age of sixteen. It's just the way it is. I quit smoking almost a year ago. I quit drinking like it was going out of style even before that. I exercise, and take my vitamins, and folic acid, and all that shit, but it just doesn't matter. It's either gonna happen, or it ain't, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, because I am not a celebrity with a super uterus and eleventy billion dollars. Nature, you are a real bitch sometimes, but I love you anyways.

I try not to stress too much about it, but it's just frustrating, ya know?

Late Night Thinking

2011-09-12T23:31:00.000-07:00

I have shared this video clip from the movie "Up" a few times before. Maybe I've even posted it here on this blog before too, I can't remember. I come across it every once in awhile when I go through my blogs and Facebook links and whathaveyou, and every damn time, I'm crying two seconds after I click play.

My biggest fear in life, is waking up one day, sick and on the brink of death and knowing in my soul that I didn't do my very best to do and see all the things I wanted to do in life. The list of things I want to do and see before I kick the bucket gets longer every year. The more I live, the more I want to see and do. The list never ever gets shorter. So, I need to know that no matter what happens in life, I tried my best to have adventures, to have great friends, to learn and to teach, to do whatever it took to have a story to tell. A story that will surpass me, and my piddly little existence in this universe. With any luck, there will be many stories that will be told about me after I'm dead and gone, and those who are still around will be able to have a good chuckle at my expense once in awhile, if I don't do something to make them all hate me. Which I am capable of doing, I am sure.

The thing is though, that daily life is boring. It can be monotonous. On any given day, whether I'm in Europe, Cuba, Regina, or living in a 40 year old camper somewhere in the mountains, my days consist of generally the same things. Dishes. Cooking. Eye-Rolling. Dishes. Laugh with husband. Laundry. Dog walks. Swearing at dogs. Annoying husband. Watch dogs play. Dishes. That's just the way it is. You can't be having adventures all the time, and I am okay with that. But sometimes, I forget that I'm okay with that, and I get all down on myself, and I'm damn annoying when I'm down on myself, because there just isn't any reasoning with me. But then, I come across this video clip from a cute little movie, and everything rights itself again.

I remember that life isn't all about the big adventures and the big stories and the big dramatic horrible stuff, it's the little things that count too. It's my husband wanting to build a kitchen table, just so our great-grandchildren can brag that they now have the table that great grandpa built for great grandma. It's making perogies by myself in the kitchen as the dogs hump each others faces at my feet, and wondering if my grandma had to put up with that sort of thing while she made perogies. It's about family and friends and all the good and bad that comes along with having them around. It's about a puppy licking your tears away when you cry, and the incredibly bright moonlight that makes it bright enough for you to read outside, and the relief of finding that item you were looking for all over the house, and Tetris and having friends that will go ghost hunting with you and so many more little things that I could just go on for miles.

No wonder I don't ever get any sleep, what with all this thinking.

New Beginnings

2011-09-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

On Sunday morning, my husband and I packed up the last of our belongings, and said our goodbyes to family members and we drove west. Originally we had planned on making some stops to visit friends and family, but with an appointment early Tuesday morning to get the keys to our new home coming fast, we just drove straight through to our destination, Vancouver Island. It was a whirlwind trip, that consisted of scattered conversation, little sleep and many Tim Hortons stops along the way. I think my body is still recovering from sitting and sleeping in the front seat of the truck for 36 hours. However, we made it safe and sound to our newest home in Sooke, British Columbia.

For those who aren't aware, my husband, myself and our two dogs had been living and travelling for the past year in our Scamper Camper. A few short weeks ago, I arrived home after working a graveyard shift to find my husband and our friend V-Man frantically moving all of our belongings out of the camper, and into the House of Pain because the damn thing had sprung many leaks overnight. Luckily, we had already planned to dismantle the trailer and use it to haul all of our belongings back to British Columbia, where we had decided many months ago that we wanted to permanently settle.

We arrived to Nanaimo late Monday night, and after driving to Victoria, and having many attempts to camp thwarted for various reasons, we parked on the side of the road and caught a few winks around 2am, woke up early, cleaned ourselves up in a McDonald's bathroom, met the Realtor and got our keys. We have been cleaning and running errands and visiting family and taking in the cool ocean air ever since, and it has been wonderful.

It is so good to be home.

Grace in Small Things #68

2011-09-09T01:37:00.000-07:00

1. Drinking a fine ale out of a fine wine glass.

2. Zero gravity chairs.

3. A large fenced yard for the dogs to run in.

4. Checking out a new restaurant, in a new city with an old friend.

5. Hot days and cool nights.

6. Not having to haul water to do dishes.

7. Peace and quiet, if only for a while.

Honesty

2011-08-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I've been thinking of just ending this blog for the past couple months. I haven't felt like writing, and when I do feel like writing, I don't know where to start. Being me, I always have a lot to say, but I don't know if I get that feeling of comfort that I once did when I told the Internet all of my secrets. I have always had a hard time talking to people about the truly hard times in my life, but writing, online and off, has helped me work through many issues, and it helps me to vent what I can't say verbally. I've done it my whole life, but now, for some reason, I just can't get that pen, or keyboard, to do what I want it to.

Six months ago, I wrote a long post about our struggle to make a baby, our ideas on how we would raise a baby if it ever came, and how grown up I felt that I was actually mentally ready to do the whole parenting thing. I deleted that post last week, having never actually taken the two seconds to post it here.

Fifteen weeks ago, I wrote a post, all full of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns, announcing to my blog readers that after almost three years of not using any contraceptive devices, we had finally fertilized an egg and there was a little hamster growing inside of me. I didn't post it. Maybe some part of me knew that I shouldn't spread the news just yet.

One month ago, I wanted to write all about our horrible experience of losing the baby that we had wanted so badly. I wanted to tell you the whole story, a story we have never actually told in its entirety to anyone yet. I wanted to tell you about all the blood and the surgery and the horrific doctors and wonderful nurses, and how I was afraid I was dying. I wanted to tell you about my guilt in losing the first grandchild, the first niece or nephew, and my fear that maybe my parts just don't work, and I'm not ever going to be able to give anyone that baby they want so badly. I wanted to tell you how much I hate when people say "That's okay, you can always try again!", as if we don't know that, and already know that babies don't come so easily to some of us. I wanted to write about what bullshit it is that a miscarriage should just be forgotten about, that you should just move on, and pretend like it never happened. I wanted to give everyone a good ol' talking too who didn't think that my husband was just as devastated as I was. I wanted to tell you how my D & C experience made me even more pro-choice than I was before. I wanted to express all of my pain and anger and sadness....but I didn't. I just bottled it up.

Today, as I drank a cold cup of coffee, that I was too lazy to warm up, I realized that I need to keep writing. If not here, then somewhere, because I am losing my mind, keeping everything in. I am lucky in life, that I have a husband who is open and honest and with whom I can talk to about anything. I am lucky that I have family and friends that have expressed their concern, and have offered ears and shoulders to listen and to lean on. But being me, I have a hard time taking people up on those offers. I find comfort in the solitude that comes with writing, whether it be for the Internet, or in a personal journal. I would rather talk to myself most days, than talk to other human beings. It's just how I've always been. A social butterfly on the outside, and a perfectly content loner on the inside. The two sides, they clash sometimes, but it works for me.

So, I've decided to stick around. But I'm warning you, it won't be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns around here for awhile, because I've got some shit to work out.

Grace in Small Things #67

2011-05-09T07:18:00.000-07:00

1. Husband is working and will be bringing home the bacon soon.

2. I am working, and will be bringing home some bacon of my own.

3. Payment plans sorted out.

4. I got to go dancing on Saturday for the first time in months.

5. Knowing who your real friends are. :)

Poor House.

2011-05-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting here thinking, and I am pretty sure I have not been this destitute before ever in life. When you couple the fact that I literally have $2.00 to my name, and am living in a camper with no running water in a friends back yard, it sounds pretty effing pathetic.

It's not like we're starving to death or anything, flour and water can make all sorts of things. I can still make a big pot of soup with some of the cupboard remnants. The Internet and a telephone is nice, but not necessary in the grand scheme of things I guess. It is warm enough to walk everywhere, so it's okay that the truck is almost on empty, and the payment is going to bounce. Right? Think positive, and positive things will happen is what I tell people.

Really though, by the end of the month, we will both have a couple paychecks, and will be able to catch up on everything, and throw our landlords a few bucks if me and my handy dandy budget get our way.

It's just hard. We are both working so hard, we haven't even seen each other much since we got back to Regina, and while we're working so hard, things are going unpaid left and right. I hate getting behind like that. It's embarrassing, and stressful...and embarrassing. Bah!

At least I found my keys. That's one less expense I will need to worry about.

Update: Right after posting this, my brother showed up and gave me a donation so I could keep my phone and internet. He's the most superest person in the world. You should read his blog @ http://nerdcereal.blogspot.com

I also finally got a hold of someone at BMO that not only lived in Canada, and not India or Russia, but in Regina...she helped me sort out my truck stuff and gave me many words of encouragement in getting through this stressful time. She told me it will all be over soon, and by the end of the month, all will be well. She is also the most superest person in the world.

The Year of Healthier Living

2011-04-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened, but last summer I really started to think about mortality, and my health, and how I am not the spring chicken I once was. Not really in a depressing way, but it did occur to me that I am not immortal, and one day I will die. It also occured to me that even though I can't exactly pick my ETD, and I can't stop a piano falling on my head, or another car from killing me, I can do other things to stave off the one thing I fear more than heights or big open spaces, if only for awhile.

I knew I had to change my ways, and the typical culprits of unhealthy living had to go. I had to quit smoking. I had to eat properly ( and by properly, I mean more than once a day, and before 9pm). I had to stop drinking so damn much. I had to sleep more, and exercise more, and take some time for myself once in a while.

I tried my best in September to quit smoking and drinking. After our last big party in our apartment, I felt so horrible that I decided I never wanted to drink or smoke again, a promise I had never made to myself before. Unfortunately, two weeks later I was back to drinking and smoking and hating it, but doing it nonetheless. I knew I couldn't stop, not there. I kept my mind open to the possibility of quitting these things once I was away.

Once we were settled out here in BC, and before I had a job, I knew that I had no choice but to quit smoking. We had already pretty much stopped drinking other than the occasional drink ( which we have stuck to for six months), so it had to be done. Quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done, and the worst pain I have ever gone through. It was two weeks of pure emotional hell, but I got through it. In all honesty, I have had the occasional cigar and cigarette over the past few months, usually when out for drinks. I have realized that cigarettes taste bloody awful, and I know I will never be a "smoker" again. I will most likely still have the occasional fruit flavored cigarillo, because I want to, not because I have to. I decided right from the start that I would never say never....I keep my mind open to the fact that I might smoke, I might drink, I might eat an entire pizza by myself again one day. This way of thinking keeps away all those feelings of failure that always stopped me from being mentally and physically healthy before, and helps me to feel like I'm doing my best, no matter what.

Once the smoking and drinking were no longer a part of my daily life, everything else just kind of fell into place. Living in a mild climate has let me be the outdoorsy person I always wanted to be. I get to be outside every day, and I have even gotten used to the rain, and have learned that there isn't bad weather, there are just bad clothing choices. I have lost 30 pounds since December, which sounds like a lot, but really, I need to lose another 20 before anyone will really notice....however, it happened without me really trying. Just being active, did it all. Due to our limited budget, we don't always eat as healthy as we want to, and due to the fact that we don't drink anymore, our weekend treat a lot of the time is a bag of chips or dessert on a Friday night. But to me, that is still healthier than drinking 18 beer, and getting McDonald's afterwards.

Now, it's not like I am a big fitness/health guru now. I don't care if you smoke and drink and live off Burger King Whoppers, I just have to watch myself, because I have an addictive personality, and I like to do everything in excess. I am proud of myself. I have worked hard to change my way of thinking, and my view of myself. I am not an aging, alcoholic, chain-smoking obese person. I don't know who I am to be honest, but I know I am not that anymore. I'm liking the new, energetic and happy me, and even though it's not happening over night, when it does happen, I will know that I earned my weight loss, and my healthy body, and my positive way of thinking. With any luck, this stronger mental and physical health will keep me on this earthly plain for a few years longer than I had originally expected.

Grace in Small Things #66

2011-04-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

1. Random sprouting daffodils.

2. Three more weeks, and I will be making regular paychecks for three months. Three weeks isn't that long, is it?

3. Letting the dogs off-leash on walks.

4. My husbands hair after it's gone greasy and stands up all over the place.

5. Last shift at this job is on a stat holiday. Time and a half!

6. Annual camping trip confirmation came in the mail.

7. Knuckle Toes is waiting for us to get home before she moves here. Party on.

8. Black fingernails and red hot toenails.

9. Having a husband that will hold me while I cry uncontrollably over ruined pancakes, but knows that the pancakes aren't the real problem.

Oh, Patches.

2011-04-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

My first memory of meeting Patches was at a party at a friend's house about 3 years ago. We were sitting on the patio swing out back, taking a moment away from the drunken festivities, and this fuzzy little Ewok wandered over for a visit. He was weird looking, and goofy, and very friendly. We joked about stealing him and taking him home with us. One of our hosts told us we could take him anytime, but we didn't take him seriously. A few months later, Patches needed a home, and was dropped off at our place.

Patches ( and now Maggie) has been with us on so many adventures, it's hard to even count. The little bugger loves camping and bonfires, and even has his own camp chair. We've taken him to parties, to the bar, canoeing, and he was at our wedding. It kills me to leave our dogs anywhere, even when they've stayed with friends when we've been unable to take them for any reason, they are an integral part of my day.

Patches is a dopey, happy lump of a dog. He has become more active since we've moved to BC, and he's learned to play not only with other dogs, but with toys and sticks...finally. It's good to be a Patches, for the most part.

Patches has had more than his fair share of health problems since we've taken him in. Some were preventable ( and now we know!) , and some were not, and some just come along with being a Shit Zu ( bad teeth for example.) On top of all that, he was attacked last winter, and had to have emergency surgery, and mentally hasn't quite been the same since.

He was doing good for awhile, but the past few weeks it's been one thing after the other. It started out with a severe eye infection ( that still hasn't quite cleared up), and then what seemed to be a UTI, and now his stomach and the area around his penis is red and raw, and there are sores appearing. I spent Saturday night consoling him, while he had diarrhea and puked until 7am. Today, his sores seem to be worse, but that's probably because of all the licking and scratching he's been doing. We got him groomed, we've tried different creams, and try to keep him from bothering them too much. Tonight he is sleeping beside me peacefully after I put some zinc cream on. It was like instant relief to him, so it must be itchy-burny.

It makes me feel like a big fucking asshole that I can't afford to even take him to the vet this time. We're at a point where every penny we have has to get us back to Saskatchewan in a couple weeks. Neither of us get paid again until we get home. And he just keeps feeling worse. Ugh.

Some online friends and family have made comments to me over the past few weeks about what they think it may be, and giving advice on websites to check out for information ( THANK YOU!) , and some have bluntly told me to relax, because "it's just a dog". To these people, I want to say "relax, it's just your child that's sick, you can get another one", but that would be rude, so I won't.

The thing is, Patches is my best bud, and I worry about him always. I am never happier than when I'm just hanging with my husband and my dogs, so every single day, I get to experience pure fucking joy, just hanging out at home. So when Patches is sick, it just kills me a little.

Here's hoping that it's nothing serious, and he doesn't feel worse before we can get some money in the bank, and also, here's to hoping that one day he won't always have to sleep on my pillow and snore in my ear at the volume of five old men who smoked for 40 years. Seriously Patches, I'm trying to concentrate!

Conflicted Feelings

2011-02-23T00:55:00.000-08:00

In two short months, we will be heading east again, to make our way back to Saskatchewan for most of the summer. Even though we still have two more months here, I am already getting sad about leaving, and want us to figure out our plans for when we come back. Because we are coming back.

Our original plans, although not set in stone in any way, included a lot more travelling around than we have been doing. Our original plan did not include Vancouver Island at all, because of the cost of the ferry with our truck and trailer. Our original plan had us down in the States by now, somewhere. But, plans change, and the universe throws us for loops, and all things happen for a reason. We didn't know it at the time, but we were supposed to end up here.

We arrived here with nowhere to go. No campgrounds would even let us park in them, because our rig was so old. We were stuck, and fearing having to live in a Walmart parking lot, or having to head back to the mainland as an epic fail. After a couple days of stress, we found Malahat, thanks to that weird girl in the Walmart parking lot. We have met interesting and wonderful people, and we are starting to make friends. The dogs have a whole pack that they play with every single day. We do day trips around the area, and have even more planned. If we stayed here, we would have something to do, at any given time. I'm even starting to get used to the rain...it is so much better than 40 below zero.

I have to laugh at myself. The girl who wanted nothing but to get off the farm her whole life, is dreading having to go back to the city for a couple months...even a city the size of Regina. I like this quiet, rural way of life we have here. I like the fact that I don't spend any money on cigarettes or alcohol, and that all my interactions are sober and meaningful and not hazy at all. I'm afraid that when I go back, I will go back to my old ways, because for the first time in over 10 years, I feel healthy. And then I feel bad, because I don't want anyone back home to think that I blame them for anything, or think less of them, or however all this may sound. I needed to get away, and I needed to make some changes in myself, and I did. I just couldn't do it at home. I needed to get out of the rut I put myself in.

Although I have mixed feelings about heading back to Saskatchewan, I am excited to see certain people, and you all know who you are. I'm predicting many good visits and laughs and camping trips, and I have made Mother Nature promise that the weather will be beautiful the whole time we are home.

See you in May.

Grace in Small Things #65

2011-02-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

At almost 5 years old, Patches has finally figured out how to play fetch with a ball...and he LOVES it. He is also being more social with all the other dogs, and he's a happier puppy. Good boy! :)

Grace in Small Things #64

2011-02-17T23:28:00.000-08:00

1. Justin Beiber. Seriously, his music makes me wish I was deaf, but he's a funny little fucker. And his fans make me laugh my head off on Twitter everyday. For instance, tonight a ton of them are contemplating suicide because he went out in a hail of gunfire on an episode of CSI. Some are calling for the show to be cancelled because "THEY KILLED HIM!". Hilarious. I can think of better reasons why CSI should be put down.

2. Teasing my husband about his peanut butter consumption, just to get a rise out of him. Funny stuff.

3. Ewok battles between Patches and Maggie that end in Maggie humping Patches' face.

4. Husband noticing loose skin on my arms, and that I've lost weight. ( This will not be so nice when I have arm skin flapping all over the place in a few months.)

5. Someone special is moving my way.

Grace in Small Things #63

2011-02-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

1. Waking up to a back rub.

2. Having the forethought to set up coffee the night before.

3. Neighbors who buy you farm fresh eggs.

4. Not having to beg and plead with the dogs to hurry up and do their business because it's pouring rain....they just did it. Phew.

Grace in Small Things #62

2011-02-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

It has been so long since I have worked regular hours throughout a week, that I forgot how wonderful and necessary a day off is. Although the weather today has kept me from doing all the things I had planned for today, I was still able to get out for two short walks with the dogs today, and have been taking advantage of the time I have to catch up on all my blogs, etsy business, cleaning, and so on.

So, "yay" for a days off from the daily grind.

32 Things I've Learned in my 32 Years

2011-01-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I turned thirty-two. Getting older usually doesn't bother me, but this year, the thought of being thirty-two turned my stomach a wee bit. Thirty-two is not old by any means, but it has sunk in that I am not nineteen anymore, and even though I have more than enough time to still do everything I want to do in life ( if I don't get hit by a bus or have a fatal brain aneurysm or anything), I don't really have the time to lollygag anymore...some decisions need to be made, and some things just need to get done, and some things just are the way they are. I haven't learned much, but I've tried, and here is a list of things I believe to be true.

1. Go ahead and lie, cheat and steal if it suits you. Just be okay with the fact that you are going to get caught, and have a plan for when you do.

2. You cannot die of a broken heart.

3. There is no better feeling than someone making you laugh til you cry.

4. It is impossible to eat healthy when you only have $15.00 left after you cash your paycheck and pay the bills.

5. The tall skinny blonde sitting next to you, probably has just as many issues with her body and self esteem as the short, fat person on the other side of you.

6. Girls are way dirtier than boys.

7. True friends will tell you that you are being an asshole when you are, and expect you to keep them in line too.

8. Don't regret anything. What's done is done, and there was a reason why you did it.

9. Nobody owes you anything, so don't expect anything.

10. If you are going to sink a canoe in the middle of a lake, empty it of its contents first.

11. Dancing with your friends can make almost anything better.

12. Don't play board games with Bree or Nick, unless you are prepared for the consequences. ;)

13. If you're confused in an airport, train station, or bus station the haggard guy with all the patches on his back pack knows more than the staff that are paid to be there.

14. Don't use gasoline to start a fire if the pit is close to the house.

15. Don't leave your clothes on the beach when you go skinny dipping. Always take something into the water with you, just in case.

16. Always have some hand signals worked out before you hook the GT Racer up to the back of your vehicle and whip your cousin around on it.

17. Don't wear flip flops to a concert, unless you're okay with standing in the back, or losing a toenail or two.

18. Wear comfortable underwear. Picking a thong out of your arse all day does not make you look sexy.

19. You are never too old or too young to have fun adventures.

20. Unless they were awful to you, it's a good idea to be friends with your ex.

21. Being poor sucks. Having money really does make you happier.

22. Take good care of your teeth.

23. No matter how hard you try not to, you do turn into your parents in some shape or form.

24. When peeing outside, always make sure that you are at the top of the downward slant.

25. You will most likely get away with driving home drunk if the people in the car are way drunker than you are, and you stick your belly out and pretend that you are pregnant and physically uncomfortable. Roll your eyes at the cop to show your disdain for your friends/family/boyfriend.

26. Nobody ever gets rid of photos that you ask them to.

27. If you are leaving on vacation, don't leave leftover fish in your fridge.

28. Cats aren't super fond of swimming.

29. A savings account is good to have so you can move your last $40.00 to it from your chequing account so it doesn't get wasted on those darn NSF's.

30. If you pluck that hair, it will come back darker and thicker, and it will bring some friends.

31. It is better to be dressed for the weather than dressed to look cool.

32. No matter what happens in your life, you can and will get through it...... eventually.

Snow Day

2011-01-13T01:24:00.000-08:00

Originally posted over @ http://abigailroaddesigns.blogspot.com

I had planned on spending all day today sewing, and hopefully taking photos of some new bottle cap magnets I made this week. I am now going to be working Friday, Saturday and Sundays at a group home, so my creative job will have to be done during the week. So, like I said, I had planned on getting some work done today.

I hadn't planned on the insane storm we received here on the island, starting last night. Driving back to the campground from the city was daunting. I have driven on a lot of scary Canadian highways in the winter, but Malahat Drive has got to be the worst. The wet heavy snow made the roads slippery, the tree branches heavy, and our nerves on edge. Once we were home, we decided to spend the evening staying warm, and playing Nintendo. It was great.

Both of us had thought about my event tent ( that we use as a picnic shelter here), and the weight of the snow. Both of us knew we should go and check on it. Both of us acted too late. When we heard the heavy thud, we knew what it was. There was no saving it. The legs and roof buckled under the weight of the wet snow.

Oops, it fell.

Dammit. I really liked that tent. I got it on sale too. Mother Effer. My husband called time of death on it this morning, after he was a super trooper, and shoveled all the snow off of our roof at 4:30am so it wouldn't collapse like the tent, and then dug the tent out of all the snow. He's tops in my books today.

Not that the tent has anything to do with my ability to sew. It doesn't. We ( along with about 30,000 other people) were without power, all day. Like, a nine hour work day, all day kind of day. Without power, we don't have heat, and we don't eat anything that needs to be cooked. Without the tent, we don't have dry charcoal to cook outside on the grill. It was a cold, frustrating day, that didn't give any opportunity for crafty ventures. Unless you call shoveling crafty.

It wasn't a total bust though. I learned that I can survive in a trailer with no heat, as long as I am in BC and not Saskatchewan ( I am positive we would not have made it, had this happened back home.) The dogs had a ton of fun frolicking in the snow drifts, and I know have a special appreciation for my rubber boots, that I did not have before. They saved my feet today, so I can still push the "gas pedal" on my sewing machine.

Tomorrow is another day, the weather is looking up, I hope, and I've got a pile of material that's just begging to be made into shirred top dresses and shirts, and apron tops. Woot!

Garbage Tent.

BTW --- Check out my booth @ handmadecraftshow.com !

Grace in Small Things #61

2011-01-12T20:05:00.000-08:00

1. The power came on at 5:30pm.

2. It was warm enough to be outside today to kill time, waiting for it to come back.

3. Luckily, we were not in Saskatchewan with no power or heat. We'd be dead right now.

4. We made it home safe on the highway last night, unlike some other drivers.

5. Only my festival tent was damaged, and not our camper.

6. Might have a lead on another tent. Phew.

7. The dogs had fun frolicking in the massive amount of snow.

What is left of my event tent. :(

8. I had fun frolicking in the snow too. Especially after Smyrish shoveled a labyrinth for us to run in.

9. Even though it was a tough day, we are all safe and sound and drying off.

2010 Recap in 38 Questions

2011-01-04T12:23:00.001-08:00

Here's to The Palinode and All and Sundry for helping me figure out how to start the new year on this blog. *fist bump*

1. What did you do in 2010 that you had never done before?

I rode on a scooter. I sold all my belongings and moved into a 16' pull camper. I helped make my dad's famous beef stroganoff pie. I kept two plants from dying. I rode in an illegal Cuban taxi.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make new years resolutions, and I won't make any this year either. I have enough issues, I don't need to set myself up for more failure.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin had a baby girl last month. I haven't met her yet.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My friend Dougal. It was tough, because I was just getting to know him, and then, that was that.

A few other people that I know/knew passed away this year. I had lost touch with most of them...not sure if that makes it easier or harder when you hear about someone's death.

5. What countries did you visit?

I went to Cuba for the first time. Other than that, all of my travelling has been done in Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Money. Confidence. More money. The ability to just relax and let things happen.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

December 15th, I quit smoking. November 6th, I left Regina. September 29th and 30th...leaving the apartment. October 26th...last day working at the group home. My JP gave me a kiss on the cheek twice, proving to me that not only does she know exactly what is going on, but that we were buds, and it wasn't all in my head.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I didn't do much this year in the way of achievement, but I finally quit smoking, after years of wishing that I could.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Leaving Regina and not attending to unfinished business.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I hurt myself daily, and luckily nothing serious came of my clumsiness this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Mod Podge Dimensional Magic glaze....and my beautiful 2007 Ford F-150.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

No one that I can think of.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Other than my own? Well, honestly, I'm sure they know who they are, and I'm not getting into that here. I've moved on.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills. Credit cards. Loans. Rent. Cigarettes. Not necessarily in that order.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to Cuba. Our annual Canada Day camping trip. Celebrating my 1st wedding anniversary. Moving away.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

That goddamn horrible "Tic Toc" Kesha song. I fucking hate that ugly talentless blankedy, blank blank. GO.AWAY.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? This time last year, I was still unaware as to how hard the whole year was going to be. We were rolling in money, and had everything we could want. I think I'm happier now though.
b) thinner or fatter? I think that I'm thinner, but I'm still pretty fat.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer. So much poorer. Ugh.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I would have saved some money when I had the chance. I wish I would have kept in touch with friends, instead of just letting myself fall out of touch. I wish I would have flossed more, because I think I have a couple cavities.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Bitching and complaining. Being negative gets you nowhere.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

My husband and I went to a friends house here in Victoria. We spent the day eating and watching "Supernatural."

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

I was already in love, with my husband. However I did find love in Mod Podge Dimensional Magic, and I fell madly in love with the ocean.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I would have to say Big Love and Glee. This second season of Glee isn't really all that great though. I'm looking forward to Big Love starting up again for it's last season this month. I'm really curious as to how they are going to end it.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don't hate people. I say I hate people, but that's only because I'm overly dramatic most of the time. Hate is a very strong word. This past year I have grown apart from many, many people that I considered friends. Lost contact with some altogether, both on their end and on mine. I've gotten into fights with family members, but I'm sure that will heal itself in time. Not going to The Pub all the time, and then announcing we were moving, brought out the worst in some people that I had previously thought of as friends. I was shocked and hurt by some of it, but I know that people change, situations change, and you just have to keep on, keepin' on. I am no longer angry with the people who talked behind my back, or didn't support me. I truly just don't care anymore.

24. What was the best book you read?

I read a shit ton of books this year. So many, I can't even remember half of them. My friend Jen got me hooked on a couple young adult book series, and my favorite was The Immortals series. I think I got four books in, in about a week. They are most definitely not literary masterpieces, but they were entertaining as hell, and I didn't have to think much to get through them. 2010 was all about finding ways not to use my brain.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I re-discovered my love for the band Arrested Development at the Regina Folk Festival in August. The were amazing live, and their set with my hero Buffy Ste. Marie was mind-blowing.

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted to see Buffy Ste. Marie perform, and I did. I wanted to come to Victoria, and I did that. I wanted to get rid of my credit card debt, and I made that happen.

27. What did you want and not get?

A huge chunk of money handed to me, no strings attached. Also I didn't get a hover car.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I didn't watch a lot of movies this year. The past couple years I haven't really been interested in going to the theatre very much, and if it wasn't for my husband, or the group home, I probably wouldn't have even rented any. Nothing stuck out in my mind, I actually had to Google "movies from 2010" to jog my memory. Of all the movies on the list I found, I have seen two of them. I have heard about pretty much all of them, but only watched two. So, between Alice and Wonderland and The Runaways, I choose The Runaways as my favorite film of the year. But Alice in Wonderland was a close second.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On January 25th, 2010 I turned 31. My husband and I spent the day getting drunk at a swim up pool bar in Varadero, Cuba, joking with the bartender, a girl from Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, and a couple from Chile who didn't know much English, and we didn't know much Spanish, but I learned that when you are drunk as fuck in your bathing suits, you are already speaking the same language. Before we got totally wasted on pina coladas, my husband had made reservations for supper, and got flowers and champagne delivered to our room. Unfortunately, we both kind of blacked out and don't really remember our fancy dinner, but I'm sure it was lovely.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I hate to say it, but if we had more money, and weren't constantly worrying about how to pay the bills, the whole year would have been better. Noticing a theme here yet?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

If I wasn't wearing sweat pants and a tank top, I was wearing a summer dress. My entire wardrobe is sweat pants and dresses.

32. What kept you sane?

Smyrish. Yes, I bug him about driving me insane a whole lot, but if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have made it through this year.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I hate them all equally, but if those Glee kids are on the cover of a trashy tabloid magazine, I'm probably going to buy it.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I don't know if it was a political issue or not, but it really pissed me off when people just stopped caring about what was going on in Haiti after a few weeks. Once the telethons were done, and the celebrities moved on to a different cause, you didn't hear much about what was going on. The people of Haiti have it worse than anyone right now, and they need help.

35. Who did you miss?

There was a break-up of sorts early in 2010. Our large group of drinking buddies split up into smaller cliques and started going their separate ways. I missed having a large group of friends and acquaintances to spend my days with. Even though I learned who I can trust, who my real friends are....I miss the days of laughing and drinking and singing with 45 of my closest friends.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Even though I know nothing about him, other than he likes dogs, Junior, the bartender at The Pub, was my favorite new person of the year. I didn't go there very often, but when I did, he always made me laugh my fool head off.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

You gotta do what you feel is real.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

How about a video instead?

Grace in Small Things #60

2010-12-28T03:14:00.000-08:00

1. I have not had a cigarette in 14 days.

2. I have not given into the insane cravings to go out and buy a pack. Or two. Or three.

3. Three more days, and we'll be heading to Salt Spring Island to ring in the new year.

4. Husband is almost done his project.

5. Christmas money.

Grace in Small Things #59

2010-12-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

1. Clean sheets.

2. Pants that are way too big.

3. Feeling creative, and having the time to do something about it.

4. Green leaves and bloomed flowers in December.

5. Leftover pork roast.

Christmas.

2010-12-23T22:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about Christmas that turns me in to such a Grinch. Christmas used to be so much fun. It was three days of eating, and playing with my cousins, and visits with Santa, and getting presents and singing carols. As I got older, it all stayed the same, but the addition of alcohol around the 7th or 8th grade, and a new tradition of flaming Sambuca shots every Xmas Eve, just made it all even better than before.

I guess things change. My dad died, and my mom sold the farm and that changed our immediate family's Christmas traditions immensely. My cousins started getting married and having kids and moving away. I worked with mentally challenged people...they don't stop being handicapped just because it's Christmas, and their families don't always invite them home just because they're family. The group home girls and I have spent a few Christmases together, eating and laughing and snuggling on the couch, and eating some more. I will miss that this year, just as much as I will miss seeing my cousins and aunts and uncles on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at the same old places they always are.

After I got married, my mom told me that it was time for Smyrish and I to start our own traditions. She knew that we wouldn't always be able to be with her, or his dad, or his mom, all at the same time. She told me that things will keep changing, especially if we decide to have kids. Whenever I feel bad about missing out, I think of what she said. Smyrish and I haven't really had a chance to start our own holiday traditions yet, but we will, and all I can hope is that they are just as much fun as the ones I grew up with. I hope that if I am ever a mother, Santa will come to visit on Xmas Eve, and on Xmas Day, we will still all get a little tipsy and drunk dial relatives to sing them Christmas carols. I hope that I can be the one to make the big meal one day, just to try it out, and see how stressful it really is to feed your entire extended family.

Until then, Christmas will most likely remain the most stressful, guilt-ridden time of year for me. If I'm not rushing around visiting everyone and spending all my money on things people may or may not appreciate or want, I am away from them, and feeling guilty that I didn't put in enough effort to be together. Oy vey.

**BTW, I'm having another Etsy sale, just for the holidays. Check out all the details here http://abigailroaddesigns.blogspot.com

Grace in Small Things #58

2010-12-19T00:26:00.000-08:00

1. Getting to know other craft people on the Internet, and making connections.

2. Having a place to talk about all my handmade business.

3. An extra large hot chocolate from 7-11 with lots of mini-marshmallows in it.

4. The "Across the Universe" soundtrack.

5. I have not had a cigarette in 5 days. I also stopped crying all the time.

6. Puppies who eat carrots.

7. Curling up to watch "House" every night with my man.

Jealous of Your Cigarette

2010-12-17T01:02:00.000-08:00

For the third time in 4 months, and the 46th time in 15 years, I am attempting to quit smoking cigarettes for good. I am heading into Day 4, and life has never been better. I have absolutely no finger nails left and have started to chew the skin off where they once were, my eyes are swollen and pussy from hours of crying over completely unknown reasons out of nowhere, I bump into everything, my skin is crawling, I am a total bitch, I want to kill myself, I'm having nightmares, and there are babies crawling on the ceiling. Okay, so there are no babies crawling on the ceiling, but there might as well be. I feel like a fucking junky.

The thing is, I know I can quit, 'cause I've quit before. It was hard. It was horrible. I didn't like it one bit. I almost always started up again because of the depression and the moodiness. It's hard to go to work, or do anything, when you aren't sure if you are going to burst into tears at any given moment, for any given reason. This time though, I have no job. I don't live with anyone that smokes. My large social circle has shrunk to a small triangle. My funds are limited. I am living somewhere where smoking truly is frowned upon. I can feel my body getting older, and I know that not smoking will help me feel better. I have a nicotine inhaler that sometimes helps me get through those nic-fit moments. (Although I have considered just eating the nicotine tablets...yes, I know that would kill me, but I think it might help.) I have a husband who not only puts up with all of the above withdrawal "symptoms", but hugs me, and understands me, and tells me positive things. If he wasn't here...well, if he wasn't here, I'd be going and buying a carton of cigarettes, and just giving up on myself.

Anyways, so it's been hard so far. I wish I could be like all those bazillions of people out there that quit smoking and it was so freakin' easy for them, they put their mind to it, and never even craved it again. At most, it took three days, and then they were running marathons and chairing the lung cancer association. They all hate smokers now, and pity us, and goddamn do they get on my nerves, but I wish this could be easy for me too. I really do.

I know that I cannot drink alcohol if this is to work out, and it's a good thing drinking isn't really part of my life since moving away. ( I have had TWO beer since leaving Regina. ) Alcohol lowers my inhibitions, and is the reason I started up again last time. There is nothing better in my mind than having a case of beer and a pack of cigarettes, and that truth is sick and twisted. There has got to be something better in life, and I need to figure that out. I'm hoping that this trip away from everything and everyone will help me clear my head and help me figure out a healthy way to make myself happy. To be happy, and not have to reward myself for being happy with drugs and alcohol. If I am to drink, or even have the occasional cigarette, it should be as a treat to myself, not a damn lifestyle.

Cigarettes have been a part of me since I was 16 years old. When I started smoking, I stopped cutting my hands and arms up when I was upset. When I quit smoking, the first thing I think of doing when I'm nic-fitting is hurting myself to distract myself. It's scary. I feel like I lost my best friend. My bad-influence, unhealthy, loser best friend, that I loved despite all her flaws. Everything I have ever done has involved cigarettes in one way or another, and it's hard to change your whole way of life...to change yourself, overnight. Or it is for me anyways. I'm not all that strong when it comes to looking after myself.

For now, I'm just going to try and chew on something other than my fingers, keep a roll of toilet paper near to wipe the tears, and hope this passes, or at least diminishes a little bit sometime before I'm old and gray.

What's Up

2010-12-12T02:07:00.000-08:00

This week has been both lazy and busy. I've been mostly cooped up in the camper due to an insane amount of rain this week, but we did get out to Beacon Hill Park for the day today, and hung out by the ocean and took the pups for a walk. It was good to get out, even in the rain.

Other than that, I've spent my week cooking and doing laundry and annoying people all over the internet trying to sell my Etsy stuff.

I also started a new blog today, that will be mostly Etsy/craft related, so I won't have to talk shop as much over here, although I will link to it when necessary. The new blog is http://abigailroaddesigns.blogspot.com. Go check it out if ya like.

I was going to write a post, but now I'm tired and it's 2am, so I'll be back tomorrow.

Smooches.

A Post in Which I Reveal a Dirty Little Secret

2010-12-09T23:01:00.000-08:00

I blame my dad, and his penchant for bringing home issues of the National Enquirer with the covers ripped off from the confectionery store in town for starting me on this downward spiral. It wasn't long after I started making my own money from babysitting and such that I started buying my own, as well as issues of Cosmopolitan. At an early age I was hooked on these trashy gossip rags, and it hasn't gotten any better, what with the vast selection that we have now. Back in the day, all you really had to choose from was the Enquirer or Star Weekly, and Burt and Loni and Tammy Faye were the only ones that had major drama to write about...and now they are everywhere, and everyone gets their 15 minutes.

I first was called out on my trashy magazine ~~obsession~~ ~~collection~~ fondness, in the early 2000's at a party at my old house. My friend Renee ran into my bedroom and discovered the PILES of Cosmo back issues on the floor, sofa, bed and proceeded to make fun of me. She was shocked that someone like me would read such drivel. I explained that I didn't read it to get dating/beauty tips, or because I thought it was exceptional literature, but it was a form of entertainment for me, a way to give my brain a break, but still read. That was the honest to god truth.

It took a couple years, but I grew tired of Cosmo and its repetitiveness. I had to find something else to read when stressed, bored or when I couldn't sleep. Although I am an avid reader of books ( I average two a week), I realized that sometimes you just want to curl up on the couch or in bed and think about somebody else other than yourself. The job of a celebrity is to entertain you, and reading about their relationships, drug problems, pregnancies, and diva antics is entertaining whether they want to admit it or not. Thus, my tabloid magazine obsession was officially born.

The past couple years, I have spent hundreds of dollars on the damn things. Life & Style and Star get the most money from me, only because their cover prices are lower. I don't favor a certain publication more than another, I love them all equally. I find that I am reading them often enough that I can pick out conflicting stories, old paparazzi photos that are passed off as recent, if someone wore the same dress to two different events, and seriously if only Lindsay Lohan would just call me, I could help her out with an ear to listen and a slap in the face.

I know full well that the vast majority of stories about celebrities are bull-shit. I don't even know who half of the people are, because I don't watch 90% of the popular shows on television. (Seriously, who is Taylor Momsen and what does she do? Emma Stone? Melissa Rycroft? Ali Fedotowsky? Why were they all at the same Justin Timberlake golf tournament? Why does JT golf? I thought only hockey players and Alice Cooper golfed...I'm confuzzled. Yeesh.) The last episode of The Hills proved that "reality" shows are not real at all (Thank you, Hills.), but yet I'm transfixed. When I'm standing in line at the grocery store, I can't help but read the headlines. By the time it's my turn to pay, I've decided that I need to know what Amber from Teen Mom did this time, if Brad if finally leaving that freak Angelina, and if the Glee kids really do have orgies in their trailers between takes.

It gets worse. When I first get home and find the time to read my new magazine, I only read the articles that I found interesting in the first place. Within the next couple days, I've read the articles I didn't care about, such as anything to do with a Kardashian (seriously, more useless than Paris Hilton), the Jersey Shore/DWTS/Bachelor, or any other show I don't watch ( in most cases have never watched.) Then, I re-read it. I keep stacks of these tabloid magazines for months. I re-read them over and over and over. They are my bedtime reading, my way of turning my brain off for 30 minutes before it is ready to sleep. I don't get rid of them until a) I am truly bored of them, and need to comb through and cut out pics for scrabble tile pendants, or b) my husband cleans up and throws them away. Who the hell reads the same Twilight/Brangelina/Kendra Wilkinson/Jersey Shore article 20 times over? This girl, right here. I know, it's sick.

I have been told by people more money-conscious than myself that I don't have to buy these magazines. Each one has their own site, with all the same stories on it, and sometimes more. The internet is free, apparently. What these people don't understand is, that I know that. I spend a morning every week catching up on MamaPop.com. I occasionally will check out People.com if I'm bored. Yahoo News usually has a couple good links every few days too. But it's just not the same. I cannot comfortably lay in bed eating popcorn and curl up with a good web page, nor is it safe to take into the bathtub. The magazine can be moved easily, folded, and it doesn't stop working if I fall asleep and drop it in hot water.

So yes, I am a tabloid junky, and I don't care who knows it. If knowing this makes you question whether or not you can be my friend, I hope that if I tell you that I think all the Twilight kids are ugly, Kristen Stewart is a worse actor than Gene Simmons, and I will never give Perez Hilton's blog a second of my time, because he's a total douchebag, makes you feel better. Now, I'm going to make some tea, and find out from OK! if Taylor Swift truly is dating Maggie Gyllenhaal's little brother.

Grace in Small Things #57

2010-12-09T13:29:00.000-08:00

1. My hair is finally starting to grow. It's almost at my shoulders now. By summer, I may actually have long hair.

2. Sun showers.

3. Having friends who let their house be my mailbox.

4. Christmas plans with the aforementioned awesome mailbox friends.

5. Having fun searching the internet for cool things to do for New Years.

6. The locals here tell me Spring starts at the end of January. Hear that Saskatchewan? BC gets spring in JANUARY. I'm beyond excited.

7. Hats. I'm not even going to worry about my bad hair day. I found my hats.

8. I was super excited about wearing my flip-flops in October, and here we are in December, and I brought them out again. Of course, it's a little too wet to wear them on walks, but whatevs.

9. Business tips and constant support and encouragement from my cousin David. He wants me to succeed more than I do, and that's motivation right there.

10. Having a husband that knows how to get rid of the aphids in my plants.

Days Like Today

2010-12-07T18:00:00.000-08:00

I love days like today. Busy, but quiet, and all the business is enjoyable. Making jewelery, taking photos, chatting on Twitter, and making homemade soup to make my husbands cold go away. Also made money...thank you, Etsy customers. You are helping to pay my SGI insurance and truck payments this month. This evening I will write and drink Sleepytime tea, and watch the rest of House, season two. By bedtime, I will be afflicted with many new ailments, but hopefully will be cured tomorrow.

Hope you had a good day too.

Grace in Small Things #56

2010-12-07T00:11:00.001-08:00

Knowing that even though money is tight right now, everything is paid for, we have food, and we have each other. Things will get better soon.

Grace in Small Things #55

2010-11-26T23:16:00.000-08:00

1. The stream that runs right behind our campsite.

2. The moss that grows on trees, roofs, fences and picnic tables.

3. The warmer temperature.

4. My new ugly, but wonderful rubber boots.

5. Catching up on all the blogs I heart.

Grace in Small Things #54

2010-11-26T00:37:00.000-08:00

1. Finally making some money off my Etsy shop. Hopefully business will continue to be steady.

2. The TurBaconEpic video.

3. Playing "snowball fetch" with Maggie. HILARIOUS.

4. The sound that the heavy wet snow makes when it hurls itself off the evergreen trees to the ground and roof below.

5. The husband downloading Glee for me. (even if our connection is super slow)

6. Supper with cousins and beers with an old friend.

Shameless Self Promotion

2010-11-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

What can I say? I don't have a job yet, and I have bills to pay. Also, I'm sick of worrying about all the Etsy stock we've been hauling around in the truck, and what could happen to it if the truck ever got stolen. So yes, I need money, and I'm a worry-wart. I guess another reason for all this is that I've been feeling creative, what with all this downtime and all since I've arrived in Victoria, but I just can't start making new clothing, bags or jewellery until I unload some of what I have. It is a fact, that when it comes to space, we are limited.

Anyways, what I'm trying to tell you is, that I have a sale going on over at my Etsy shop, and I'm doing a little promotion as well to try and lure back some previous customers. There are currently 49 items for sale in my shop, but there will be more by the end of this week, once I get everything else photographed and posted.

All bags and purses are currently being sold for 50% off their original sale price, and I am not charging shipping on any clothing items or Scrabble tile pendants. The sale will run until December 15th, 2010.

On top of that super amazing sale, I am asking previous customers (or gift receivers) to write a short review on my Facebook Fan Page of an item they have purchased ( or have been given). Bloggers are welcome to write a review on their blog, as long as they leave a link to it in the review section of my Facebook page. The first five reviewers before December 15th, 2010 will receive an Etsy coupon code for 50% their next in-store purchase. How's that for a deal, eh?

So, in case you are interested, here are the links:

Etsy Store ( Abigail Road Designs) http://abigailroad.etsy.com

Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Abigail-Road-Designs/454563025037

Grace in Small Things #53

2010-11-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

1. The full moon bouncing off the mountains.

2. Cuban rum.

3. Laughing with my mom on the telephone.

4. The 'Riders are going to the Grey Cup, so everyone in Saskatchewan will be happy for at least a week.

Grace in Small Things #52

2010-11-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

1. Space heaters.

2. Winter boots.

3. Snowmen.

4. Cuddling with my husband and fur-babies to keep warm.

5. Shovels.

6. Little birds that sit on the picnic table a chirp at me while I drink my morning coffee.

7. Four wheel drive.

Wanna See Some Pictures?

2010-11-18T23:54:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of the ocean. I snapped a bunch of photos on the ferry, but it was so windy, I was afraid I was going to fall off the boat, so unfortunately none of them turned out very well. I'm glad I didn't get any photos of a whale, I would have shit my pants. Whales scare the hell out of me. Maybe it's because they're so big. Now that I'm thinking of it, it's possible that I have a phobia of things that are enormous, because I'm also afraid of seeing the planet Earth from above, mountains, and large birds.

This is what we live in. We call it "The Little Green Bean" and the " Gypsy Caravan that Love Built", but most people call it "An Ugly Piece of Shit". Never to our faces though, 'cause that would be mean. Other than the occasional roof leak, it's pretty sweet, and we're happy in our home on wheels. Oh, and if you want to send us anything, our address is "42".

While walking on a beach in Vancouver, we came across this piece of "art". It makes me think of dinosaurs, or something Fred Flintstone might put on his BBQ. Come to think of it, I'm not afraid of dinosaurs, I think they're super cool, so that rambling in the first paragraph about a possible phobia doesn't quite work. I'll put some thought into it and get back to you.

These are our dogs. Their Separation Anxiety Disorder has gone from mild to moderate when we had a home, to severe, since we left Saskatchewan.They seem to be enjoying the trip though. They've met some other dogs, and have had the opportunity to pee on many trees that they never had the chance to pee on before. Anyone who has any tips on how to train dogs to chill the fuck out, please email me asap.

And, that's all for now.

We're on the Road

2010-11-15T00:29:00.000-08:00

We finally departed Regina for British Columbia at the beginning of November. I can honestly say I don't remember the date, and I'm not even positive of today's date either, but I'm sure I will find out after I hit "publish post" when I'm finished typing up this here update. It's only been a week or so though, and it's been a long one.

We took our time driving out to Vancouver, making stops to visit my husbands relatives in Calgary and Armstrong, a night of camping in Banff, and many Tim Hortons stops along the way. (Thanks to those who gave us the gift cards!) This was my first time out west since I was 19 years old, so even though I have technically seen all of these places before, my memory isn't so good, and it's like seeing everything again for the first time.

We've spent our time in Vancouver visiting with friends, camping out in Walmart parking lots, and waiting for Rogers Wireless to send us a new Rocket Hub so we can get back on the internet and the telephone. Unfortunately, we hit Vancouver at the exact wrong time of year, and it's been gray and rainy, and it just isn't the place for us right now. We decided not to push our luck in the Walmart parking lot in Burnaby, and have decided to stay in an RV park in Tsawassen for a couple nights before we bite the bullet and pay for the ferry to get over to the island, where the sun shines. We will be staying on the island for awhile, due to the amount it will cost to get over there, but we haven't quite decided where we will be parking as of yet...that will be something to talk about in the morning.

So far, our gypsy adventure has been great. It's a pretty nice feeling knowing that you can just pack up and go whenever you want, and we will continue to keep trying new places on for size.

G'night.

Grace in Small Things #51

2010-10-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

With our departure date getting closer and closer, I've been spending a ton of time worrying about all the things that aren't ready yet, getting nervous about leaving those I love, and driving Smyrish crazy at the same time. All this anxiety has started to take a toll on my body and my mind. So, I am taking some time here today to think of all the good things, and centre myself, and try to push out all the negative thoughts that have been consuming me the past couple weeks.

1. The furnace and the stove are working in the camper. We won't freeze, and we can eat proper food again!

2. It's October 13th, and I am wearing flip flops and a summer dress.

3. I should have all the curtains finished by Friday night. Privacy, here we come.

4. It's been three weeks, and I have yet to give in and buy a pack of cigarettes.

5. I am not a hoarder.

6. The dogs can be outside as much as they need to be.

7. Sears Mastercard and HSBC are no longer a part of my life.

8. I will get to see many friends and family members at social gatherings in the next 2 weeks.

9. I am comfortable in this camper. It feels like home.

10. My husband is willing to help me with everything I need to get done for myself, as long as I ask.

11. Plans for Christmas in California.

12. Eight more shifts at work. Only eight more. Eight. I can do it.

Thanksgiving and Camper Living

2010-10-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well, we've officially been living in our Scamper Camper since the 29th of September, and today we are "celebrating" our first holiday in our home on wheels. When I woke up this morning, Smyrish asked me what I was thankful for, and due to the lack of caffeine,and a liver full of vanilla vodka, all I could think of for an answer was "Pillows, I'm thankful for pillows." He one-upped me by telling me he was thankful for his beautiful wife, his home that can go anywhere and the dogs. He's a smooth operator, that one.

So far, camper living has been both fun, and challenging. Anyone who knows me, knows that I like things to be neat and tidy, and everything needs to be in its place. The last couple weeks, I've been struggling with the fact that everything isn't in its place, because we are still doing work on the camper, and there just isn't anywhere to put it all yet. Hopefully this week it will all get put together. I'm sure the fact that I'm still getting used to not smoking hasn't been helping my attitude, but this morning I feel refreshed and positive, and I know that it can only get better from here. It has been nice to have a yard for the dogs, and the weather has been positively splendid, and I feel like I'm getting to enjoy a few more weeks of summer camping.

Smyrish has been working his ass off getting everything working, and I've been doing mostly nothing, due to my lack of knowledge in all areas of construction and electronics, so I'm just waiting for my turn to be productive. I'm making curtains, and today I will start making new cushions for our benches, and then it'll be time for us to make this house on wheels a home. I'm starting to get really excited about hitting the open road, even though in the back of my head, I do have a few worries. The unknown can be both exciting and terrifying.

The next couple weeks are going to be insanely busy, trying to get all our affairs in order, getting the camper done, and saying good-bye to all our friends and family. We've got birthdays, a wedding and our official going away party coming up, so with any luck, we'll get a chance to visit with everyone at one of these functions.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would like to thank everyone who has helped us work on the camper, given us a place to park and live, and has been positive and encouraging and helpful when hearing of our travel plans. We know we're crazy, so it's nice to know that you're all okay with it.

Now go out and enjoy the sunshine and record breaking temperatures.

The Final Countdown

2010-09-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

In nine days, we'll be living in our camper in V-Man's backyard. Nine days. That's just crazy how quickly the end of the month came. I've been on holidays from work for 3 weeks, and have been packing and cleaning and trying to get all the "inside" stuff done, while Smyrish works on the camper. The camper has turned out to be a lot more work than we had originally expected, and I'm not gonna lie, I am getting worried that it won't be ready in time. But, I do have faith in my husband, it will be. It has to be.

We've decided to leave here on November 1st and head to British Columbia. Once there, it is still up in the air about where we're going to settle down first, but after we stop in and visit some friends and family along the way, I'm sure we'll have a clearer idea of where we want to go.

Me So Sleepy!

2010-08-18T13:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is, but for the last week or so, I just can't get enough sleep. I feel like I'm going into winter hibernation mode early, craving a warm bed and homemade soup all day, every day. For instance, I slept for a good 9.5 hours last night, but I literally dragged my body from my bed at 11:30 this morning, and only because my bladder was so full that I figured if I didn't, I would have some explaining to do when Smyrish saw what I had done to the mattress. I guess I could have just blamed the dogs though, now that I think about it.

Maybe that's my problem. I'm spending too much time with the dogs. All they do is bark, poop and sleep, not unlike me. They are sleeping right now, because pooping on the kitchen floor was hard work, and they need to re-energize in case someone comes to the door and they need to bark uncontrollably.

Maybe when summer comes back, I'll feel a bit more alive. But until then, me thinks it's time to lay down and have a nap.

Movin' Right Along

2010-08-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

Well, things are starting to come together as we get closer to our departure date. I'll admit, I was getting a bit worried, and there are still a couple financial things I need to deal with before I can leave here, but I'm trying to think positive, and hope it will all get sorted out asap.

I recently traded my good friend Mabel the Ford Focus for a Ford F150, and that same week, we found a camper that our pocket books and the new truck can handle and will meet our needs for the time being. We are going to give notice at our apartment on September 1st, and as of October we will be living in a friends yard in our camper. We are hoping to be gone shortly after Halloween.

The apartment is getting to be pretty sparse. The rest of the furniture will all be gone in the next week, and we have been spending a lot of time sorting, selling, organizing and throwing out items. I must admit, seeing the apartment in the state it is in now saddens me. I've never felt "at home" in any place I have ever lived in, until I moved in here with Smyrish and Das Piper. This apartment has many many memories, good and bad, since before I became the new roommate in a long line of roommates this place has housed over the past eight years.

This apartment has seen its share of laughter and tears, fist fights and sexy times. It's seen us through dinner parties, clothing swaps, and countless visitors who just needed a couch to sleep on, and a shoulder to cry on. I was here when I learned that my dad had died, and was given a bed to lay on and cry until morning. This was my first home with my husband, and we made it our own once we had it to ourselves. Our neighbors and caretakers are a bunch of characters that deserve their own sitcom, and the neighborhood is my favorite in this entire city.

Moving will be bittersweet for me. I want to go, I need the change of scenery, but I'll be bawling my eyes out when we close the door for good next month.

Grace in Small Things #50

2010-08-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

1. Today is my first day back at work after a 2 week holiday, and it is raining. Makes going to work easier when you aren't missing out on sunshine.

2. The kitchen is cleaner than it has been in weeks.

3.Catching up with long lost friends at Folk Fest.

4. Smyrish is organizing his stuff.....he has lots and lots of stuff.

Where the Heck Have I Been?

2010-07-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

According to my StatCounter, there are still people that come to this blog. Considering I haven't posted anything relevant in months, I find that to be pretty darn cool. The past few months have been a tad crazy, and I just wasn't comfortable writing about the goings-on in my life on the Internet until now. So thank you to those of you who stuck around to see if I would come back.

I don't even really know where to start. Since we returned from Cuba in February, our lives have been one big stress-ball of change ( good and not so good). I don't really want to go into too much detail about the bad, because I'm trying to be positive and just look toward the immediate future. However, after some major financial troubles, almost being evicted from our apartment and having nowhere to go, family drama, and then realizing that things just weren't working out as planned here, we have decided to hit the road, and go in search of a more exciting life and better weather.

Smyrish and I have been talking about moving away since last September when we went to California, so I didn't think it would really come as a huge surprise to our family and friends that we had actually decided to leave Saskatchewan this coming Fall. Apparently, it was a surprise to some, and I have learned that our life choices bring out the best and worst in people that it really shouldn't affect in any way. But that's a whole other story to tell on another day.

Basically, Smyrish and I have decided, that since we aren't sure where we want to settle down yet, we are going to buy a used RV, and live in it as we travel around the west coast of Canada, the States and Mexico. We will work where we can, and I plan on doing as many craft shows as possible, and hopefully vending at some music festivals as well. We have passports, and are going to get work visas, and all that jazz, and if we like a place, we will stay there for a bit, and if not, we will move along.

Contrary to popular belief, we have thought this plan through, and we are both very excited about it. We are trying to be responsible and organized in our planning, we are working on getting rid of the debt we do have before we go, as well as selling all of our belongings, and "practicing" living without creature comforts like a 52" television, a Wii and furniture. We're figuring out what is important and what isn't, and on a whole, it's been a big learning experience for me so far, and we haven't even left.

We don't know just yet how long we will be gone for, where we'll end up, or if we're coming back here at all. We are just going to take it as it comes, and hopefully it all works out for us.

I'll keep you posted. I promise. :)

Today Sucks.

2010-04-22T00:07:00.001-07:00

If I could actually type out my sadness and rage at this moment, I would.But I can't.

MOTHERFUCKINGCUNT!!!!!!!!!

Grace in Small Things #49

2010-04-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

Coming home after a very long day of work, and your husband has put out beer, chips, and set up Law and Order SVU on the television because he thought you'd like that.

Thanks honey.

Workin' My Butt Off....

2010-04-07T00:04:00.000-07:00

Only a month and a half or so until the Cathedral Arts Festival, and this is all I have. Argh.

Grace in Small Things # 48

2010-04-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

It's days like today, when the whole idea of Grace in Small Things really makes sense to me. After a mostly stressful day of worrying about countless things, and feeling like my little world is starting to crumble around me, it is nice to be able to sit back at the end of the day and know that even on days like today, good things do happen.

1. The Wii says that I am no longer 44 years old, I am 31. Since I actually am 31, this makes me happy.

2. Putting off spring cleaning to drink coffee and visit in the courtyard with Knuckle Toes for 4 hours or so.

3. Smyrish bought us a tent trailer at a garage sale for $100. It needs a lot of work, but we're both happy to do it. Camping with the dogs will be so much easier this summer, and I won't have to try and crawl off an air mattress with my gimpy leg in the mornings.

4. Jezzella didn't seem angry that I missed her when she came by for coffee. We will just reschedule.

5. Finding the time to cut and pin dress patterns.

6. Pork chops and rice. Yum.

7. Even though he had a bad day too, Smyrish still laughed his wonderful laugh twice today.....I loved it so much, it gave me shivers.

8. Sixteen rolls of toilet paper for $2.49.

9. Maggie chasing her tail for a good five minutes.

10. The weather was so nice today, I didn't even need a sweater.

11. Tomorrow, the bicycle comes out for the season.

Phone Conversation

2010-03-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

So, my dad called me last night. In a dream of course. I haven't dreamt about him in a couple years, and if I remember correctly, I was just as mentally unstable and stressed at that point in time, as I am right now.

I dreamed that he had called me, and woke me up. I told him I missed him, and loved him, and he should really call more often, as I don't have any way to get ahold of him. He told me he had been busy golfing and visiting people, and knew that I was busy too. I told him all my current woes, all the things I just don't want to talk to anybody in real life about. I got a ton of shit off my chest.

He reminded me that I can fix anything, and everything will work out in the end, if I just quit the pity party, and figure out what I need to do. He told me not to forget about the things I want to do, and to find the time to do them, and not to worry about all the things that other people want me to do,like have kids, buy a house, etc. , because I shouldn't have to change my lifestyle just to make someone else happy. He said that if I don't watch out, life will get boring and monotonous, and he didn't want that for me. He reminded me that risk taking is a part of who I am, and even when it doesn't work out, I am happier for at least trying.

After all the serious talk, I told him about my dogs, and Smyrish and how I'm going to visit mom next month, and how I can't wait for summer to get here, so we can camp and go to festivals and such. He told me he had a lot of fun things planned too.

He ended our conversation very abruptly at that point and said he had to go, as he normally would, and left me yelling into a dial tone, asking when he was going to call me next.

House in Sepia

2010-03-23T22:32:00.001-07:00

House in Sepia
Originally uploaded by Abigail Road

Fresh Start.

2010-03-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

As you can see, the only thing I could do to fix the whole Haloscan mess, and get rid of JS-Kit, was to start from scratch. This upset me at first, but I am trying to be positive. The blog needed a new look anyways, and I should have gone through all the links, buttons, etc., long ago. Please bear with me as I teach myself how to redesign this blog, and learn more about the internets.

My old comments from Haloscan are still missing, but my husband assures me that when he has a free day, he will try and get them back to the posts of which they belong, and if not, I will just spend my morning coffee sessions moving them one by one to the right posts. I honestly have nothing better to do anyway. I was probably just going to spend my time playing online Scrabble.

So, that's the story. Hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday. I'm going to get out in the sunshine with the doggies, and then go check out Alice in Wonderland.

Cheers.

Taking Out the Garbage

2010-03-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

I live in a neighborhood that a lot of people would deem as "scary", but I've got to tell you I don't find it scary at all. I find it to be "eclectic". Sure, there used to be a meth lab across the street, and there are a couple hookers on the corner, but they don't bug me, and I don't bug them. I find it highly entertaining to watch people party it up and drink Listerine in our parking lot, and have met many interesting folks who have just left the hospital that is right behind us, after a stint in the psych ward. In the past 4 days I have been asked my three different strangers if I could give them a ride somewhere (of which I declined of course), and I know that if I smoke on the front step, somebody is going to stop and bum one off me. (which is why I usually smoke in the courtyard, which is somewhat private).

A couple days ago, Knuckle Toes' boyfriend warned me to watch out for members of the Native Syndicate wandering around by the hospital. He had a less than pleasant encounter with one of them who wanted a cigarette, and even after getting one from him, was still intimidating. I took note, but figured that since I tend to stay away from the alley, I'd be fine.

This morning at 8:30am, I decided that it was high time I took out the pile of garbage at the front door, and headed out with the Ewoks to the dumpster. A teenager stopped on his bike, and watched us do our thing. On the way back to the building, he asked for a light. I said sure, and handed it to him.

" You know, I'm part of a gang, I'm in the NS." he says to me.

" Really? I'm part of this Ewok gang here."

" No really, I am. A couple guys are in the hospital, and I'm just waiting for them."

"That's nice of you. Y'know, you shouldn't really be telling me that. What if I was a cop?"

" You're not a cop, you look too nice."

" Aw, shucks. Can I have my lighter back now?"

"Sure, do you want a cigarette?"

" No thanks, just had one. See ya later."

He followed behind me, pushing his bike.

"What kind of dogs are those?"

"Bichon-Shitzu."

"They're cute. My mom would like them."

"You can't have 'em."

" No, that's not what I meant."

" I bet your mom would like it even more, if you weren't telling strangers in alleys that you're a criminal. You should keep those things to yourself."

"Shimay, get worse!" *laughs*

"See ya later kid."

"Have a nice day lady!"

And he walked away chuckling.

I'm pretty sure, that if he is actually part of the Syndicate, he isn't going to last long. He doesn't have enough evil in him yet.

Grace in Small Things #46

2010-02-23T16:38:00.000-08:00

1. Friends who don't get bitchy with you when you have to cancel plans with them.

2. Co-workers who are jones-ing to buy my stuff at the Lumsden Spring Sale on March 6th.

3. Snausages. They make the dogs happy, which in turn, makes me happy.

4. Maggie's snaggle tooth.

5. A husband who fixes mannequins, and blog comments (hopefully).

6. Not having to be on-call everyday anymore. I can just ignore the phone on my days off.

7. A silent apartment.....for the next few minutes anyways. :)

My Day Off

2010-02-22T12:59:00.000-08:00

After a busy weekend of work, socializing and cleaning, I had planned for a quiet Monday off, catching up on my PVR'd programs, and eating chips, basically nothing. It's not working out the way I planned. It's only 3:00pm, and I'm pooped.

"Nothing" has consisted of an early morning meeting, a trip to the pet store, three loads of laundry, a pile of dirty dishes, making Scrabble tile pendants, incessant phone calls from work ( that I am not answering), a hunt for loonies for the dryer to finish the laundry, and I have cleaned up dog shit no less that eight times since noon. (no idea what the little fuckers ate, but it's not agreeing with them.)Oh, and I also decided to cook a fancy supper of roast chicken, scalloped potatoes and veggies because I'm a good little housewife.

I'll be in bed early tonight. :)

******************************************8

I'm sure you've noticed, but my comments are missing. Haloscan changed to something else, and because I couldn't figure out how to move them, I decided to go with the "new" commenter that they've switched to, for the 30-day free trial, and put Smyrish to work figuring out what I can do. Unfortunately though, Haloscan didn't automatically switch my comments over like they said they would, and now are saying my blog doesn't even have Haloscan on it. Argh. Anyways, if anyone has any ideas as to how I can save my comments and get them back up and running, please email me.

Slow Dancing With Renee

2010-02-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, when I still lived at the House of Pain, and I was a million years from ever being married, the highlight of my week, was dancing to the last song on Saturday night. Brenan would play some Rage Against the Machine, let the crowd get crazy, and once they dwindled, Wilco would come on.

I never had a boy to dance with, and neither did Renee. We would drunkenly find each other, embrace each other, and she would put her head on my bosom. We would spend that last four minutes of our night slow dancing, singing, and watching Brenan dance with Tarus.

People tell me that those hard partying times of my life were useless, embarrassing, days I should regret.

To those people, I say nobody, nobody can eat fifty eggs.

Why would I ever regret the greatest days of my life?

Fun is fun, no matter where it was had, and you'd have to pay me a shitload of money to ever regret a moment spent with good friends and good music.

Grace in Small Things #45

2010-02-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

From my travel journal, January 26th, 2010.....

1. I didn't have to spend my 31st birthday in a blizzard.

2. Swim up bars.

3. Being able to communicate and laugh with the Spanish couple at the bar, even though we couldn't speak each others languages.

4. Smyrish did not pass out drunk at the restaurant during dinner, and I didn't puke.

5. Even though I can't really remember dinner, I'm pretty sure we had a good time.

6. Sometimes, a great bartender, is just what you need.

Varadero Day One

2010-02-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

From my travel journal (January 23, 2010)......

After five days in Havana, full of its "jinertos", odd smells, good music and interesting people, we headed to our resort in Varadero. Having never been to an all-inclusive resort before, I had no idea what the deal was, or what to expect.

After we checked in and were walking to our villa, I was reminded of the movie "Dirty Dancing". Ever since that moment, I have kept my eyes open for Patrick Swayze and Lenny Brisco from "Law and Order". Then, after seeing what I can only assume are the staffs quarters, I am positive that the real fun happens after the Caribbean dancing ends and the free bar closes, and that Lenny is around here somewhere, fixing all those botched abortions while Mr. Swayze teaches all the young tourist girls that their hips don't lie.

Side note to the Palinode: Smyrish has informed me that he's never actually sat down and watched Dirty Dancing, so I will have to get that DVD back from you. I know it's only been a couple years since I borrowed it to you, so I hope you're done with it. Thanks. :)

** I am fully aware that Lenny and Mr. Swayze have passed away.

Photos from Cuba

2010-02-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

View of the Yayabo River, near Sancti Spiritus.

Juan Valdez? (near Trinidad)

A view of my toes, and the Atlantic Ocean, (Varadero)

Trinidad, from above.

Catamarans and kayaks at the end of the day. (Varadero)

Myself, George Burns, and our bitches, kickin' it in Havana.

The Young Communists building. (Havana)

Boys fishing by The Fort. (Havana)

Home Sweet Home

2010-02-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

Well, we made it back safe and sound from the Communist Republic of Cuba. It was a great trip, lots of fun, very eye-opening and full of memories.

I had planned on blogging throughout my trip, however, once there, I realized that was out of the question. Access to the internet is not only limited and slow, but very expensive ( about 8-10 dollars per hour, ouch.)

Once I learned that, I thought that I would just write in my travel journal, and then promptly realized that I had left my journal on my desk at home. Sheesh. I did get some writing done though, thanks to hotel stationary and Scrabble score sheets, and will post some of my entries here over the weekend. I am also hoping Smyrish will do a guest post and give his side of the story.

Hope the past couple weeks have been good to you all.

Cheers!

It's Time!

2010-01-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

Well, one more sleep, and Smyrish and I will be in Cuba. We're hitting Havana, Varadero and Trinidad. I am all packed, and ready to go, and now to wait until 6am.

See you all in a couple weeks!

Grace in Small Things #44

2010-01-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

1. Patches is doing better everyday, and is back to his old self after his dog attack. Smyrish and Maggie are okay too!

2. Three new pairs of sweatpants!

3. I found my passport....Cuba, here I come!

4. I've lost 4 pounds, and a 1/2 inch off my thighs since starting the Wii Fit.

5. Every time I look at Maggie's Salsa Face, I giggle. FYI - when your dog sticks her face in a pile of salsa, it is not easy to clean off, and afterwards, they smell like spicy garbage.

6. A new bathing suit that minimizes the immense size of my belly.

7. I don't have to train any new staff tonight! I can just go in, and work, without being on my best behavior!

For Stacy

2010-01-04T01:46:00.000-08:00

Nirvana, Live @ Reading.

Letters From A Porcupine

2010-01-04T01:02:00.000-08:00

Grace in Small Things #43 - Thank You Edition

2010-01-03T23:36:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Mom and Dad for knowing that a degree in university isn't everything, and that the world needs plumbers, computer gurus, truck drivers, retail workers, cooks and nurses, as well as writers, artists, musicians and politicians.

Thank you, for never paying me for "A's" in school.

Thank you, for never making me feel stupid if I got a bad grade, when I tried my best, and thank you, for giving me shit and/or encouragement, to make me try harder, when you knew I was slacking.

Thank you, for supporting all of my extracurricular activities, and for finding the money to support me, even though I knew you didn't always have much extra to give.

Thank you, for being proud of me, and the work I do now, even though it didn't take any "education" to get here. Some parents would not approve, as I didn't have to take a class in Greek Mythology, Women's Studies, Basket Weaving or fail Logic 101 four times, to put myself $40, 000 in debt to get where I am.

Thank you, for being willing to help out, if your child's education did cost that much.

Thank you, for teaching me from birth, that it doesn't matter how much money a person makes, they can either be a nice guy, or an asshole.

Thank you, for moving back to Small Town, and raising us on our acreage, and teaching us, ( although we weren't always grateful), that you have to work hard to survive sometimes.

Grace in Small Things #42

2009-12-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

1. Our new Wii Fit. It is making exercise fun, and I am proud to say, I am already a Yoga master and Hula Hoop champion!

2. Supper at Red Lobster tonight. Started out as a date night, but now it's a group of people. Ah well, should still be fun anyways.

Grace in Small Things #41

2009-12-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

1. The Hawksley Workman tickets are here. Now I just have to track down Wench and pay for them.

2. Crying throughout "Glee".

3. Garlic bread.

4. Realizing that I shouldn't feel lonely, because I have Smyrish and the fur babies to keep me company.

5. Christmas shopping is done, and presents are wrapped.

Fuck Xmas, Yo.

2009-12-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

Is it January 2nd yet? No? Motherfucker, I wish it was.

I think I have already had my annual Xmas mental breakdown, although I took it out on the dogs this time, instead of the handicapped people at work, who usually have to see me lose my mind, and sit on the floor crying and whining about how hard life is, and how I "just can't handle this shit anymore". Once the annual temper tantrum is over, I have a day of energy and productivity, and then I just go into auto-pilot until the holidays are over.

Christmas has never been my favorite time of year. I don't know what it is, but starting the week before, I am in a mood. I take everything a little bit too personally, everything is just a little too hard to deal with, and it takes all the inner strength I can muster up, just to get through until New Year's Day without killing myself or others. Usually, as soon as I know all the hullabaloo is over, I am calmer, happier, and am no longer having suicidal or murderous thoughts.

I don't know if it's the shopping, the pressure to make that one day the best day of the year for everyone around you, or the social and family commitments that I either can, or cannot attend, but it is all just too much. Sometimes I wish I was Jehovah's Witness or something, so I didn't have to deal.

Once Christmas Day is over, the stress of New Year's Eve is upon me. I never know what to do, where to go, who to hang out with. It always ends up being a fun party, no matter what I choose to do, but this year, it seems to be harder to make this decision, mostly because I feel like I am out of the loop with everyone I used to hang out with. I haven't hung out with the girls in so long, that I don't even know what or how they are doing, or what I would tell them if they asked me those questions. At the same time, I know I am not interested in braving the pub on a busy night like that, so I'm flip-flopping between house parties, trying to figure out where I would feel more comfortable, or welcome.

Blarg. Eleven more days, and all of this will be over, and I can concentrate on getting the hell away from here for a couple weeks. If Cuba works out nicely, and we decide to never come back, I'll get one of you to send the dogs to us, and the rest of our things you can divvy up amongst yourselves. :)

Happy Blogoversary To Me!

2009-12-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

Sunday was my 6th annual blogoversary. To celebrate this wondrous occasion, I compiled a list of things you may or may not know about moi, or my blog, and then I went to Dougal's wake, got really drunk, and forgot to post it.

1. I first started making money off sewing when I was 15. I created a really cool patchwork floppy toque, and all the snowboarders in town went wild for them. Most of the boys in my grade bought one off me for $20.00 a piece. I wish I still had mine to show you.

2. The number of comments on blog posts that I get, has drastically decreased since I am no longer single, and have less depressing, or sordid things to write about. (Not that being single is a bad thing, it is just sometimes more interesting.) However, I am very happy that my life is no longer in a constant state of depression and chaos.

3. If I don't eat eggs in the morning, I feel like crap for the rest of the day. Since I rarely take time for breakfast, most days I feel like a big pile of shit.

4. My favorite thing to do with my dad, was go for a Sunday drive all over hells half acre, snooping through old abandoned farm houses and then checking out all the cars that were for sale in the area.

5. I have written my name in a closet of every place I have ever lived or worked, or spent any amount of time in that I deemed special. All "entries" are dated.

6. I know I am playing too much online Scrabble when I am dreaming about words and anagrams.

7. I have been to over 30 funerals. Actually, I stopped counting at 30, because goddamn, that's a depressing thing to keep track of.

8. If I could do whatever I wanted in life, I would live in a lake front cottage year round, work from home, fish and swim everyday and have Stella Artois always on hand.

9. All I want for Christmas is a maid.

10. The three most popular posts since I started have been "Just Girl Stuff" , "The Recent Adventures of Abigail, Part Two" and "90 Days" .

11. I do not believe in divorce, unless there is something absolutely tragic and abusive going on. That is why I never thought I would get married. I never wanted to put myself in a position where I would have to legally break-up with someone, over something trivial that just drove me nuts. Luckily, my husband feels the same way.

12. I put garlic and dill into almost anything I cook.

13. I can only fall asleep on the cool side of the pillow.

14. Even though I took French throughout elementary and high school, I only know a handful of words, and maybe 2 or 3 phrases.

15. There is a blizzard on my birthday every single year, and it is never warmer that -35C. Luckily, this year, I'll be in Cuba. With my luck, it'll snow.

16. I brush my teeth, or rinse with mouthwash, every single time I go to the bathroom.

17. I used to be addicted to flossing my teeth, but now I usually forget to do it.

18. There are so many things I would like to tell the readers of my blog, but because of some of the people who read it, I can't.

19. My favorite pizza is the steak and mushroom melt from Panago.

20. My favorite scents are vanilla, the air after a summer rain, dill and the smell of a boat starting up.

21. I would guess that 60% of each day I live, is dedicated to cleaning up feces between home and work.

22. I really hate pointy toed shoes. Maybe because they look ridiculous on me.

23. Although I am jealous of their weekends off, EDO's, holidays, etc., I could never in a million years work in an office. I like not having scheduled breaks, and the option to be outside whenever I want, and rarely do I have to be up in the morning.

24. I have always had a strange fashion sense. My mom has some funny stories about the outfits I used to pick out as a kid. I still stand by my decisions.

25. The age of twenty-five was so horrible for me, that I wouldn't wish twenty-five upon my worst enemy.

26. One of the worst books I have ever read was "a-A Novel" by Andy Warhol.

27. I am totally "Team Jacob". I understand why she liked Edward in the first place, but c'mon, by the second book, us adults should know in our hearts that he's trouble, and just likes her, because he can control her. I've been there. So fuck you Edward, and your shiny skin.

28. I cannot go to bed, without a glass of water at my side.

29. I really, truly hate the fact that everyone in the world is so addicted to their cell phones, IPhone, Blackberry's, etc. Put down your gadget, and pay attention to the world around you once in a while, it's a pretty neat place.

30. Cream of mushroom soup, is only good with a pile of crackers, and a pinch of pepper.

31. I love Micheal Jackson. He makes my booty shake like nobodies business.

32. I think New Year's Eve is highly over-rated.

33. If I could go back to any place I have ever travelled, I would choose Churchill, Manitoba, Scotland and Venice Beach.

34. Before I'm dead and gone, I want to travel to Costa Rica, Mexico, Australia, Spain and New York City.

35. I am really bad at keeping in touch with people.

36. My number one guilty pleasure would have to be reading trashy tabloid magazines.

37. Malls scare me.

38. I hate watching myself on video. I always look and sound like a freakin' idiot.

39. In a huge percentage of photos ever taken of me, I am sticking out my tongue. I can't help it though, if I see a camera pointed in my direction, it just happens. However, after looking at photos from my wedding, I can see that it is hereditary. Most of my cousins on my mom's side do the same thing.

40. Although I love my blog, and love writing in general, life just gets in the way sometimes, and I don't post regularly, or write fluff posts just to fill the space. I have promised myself, that 2010 will be a "good writing year".

Xmas Letters

2009-12-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Maggie and Patches,

I love you both with all my heart, but you really need to pee on the training pads, not beside them. Also, I am looking into doggie rehab for your garbage addictions. I'll keep you posted.

Love, Mommy

************
Dear Co-worker Who Regularly Does Not Show Up for Shifts,

Last night, I had my car warming up, my boots on, and was ready to leave, as I had already been at work for ten hours. When I looked at the clock, and it was 12:10am, I knew you weren't coming. The least you could have done, was phone, or at least answer your phone when I called you.

Oh, and you're gonna be fired, so fuck you. Then I won't have to deal with your shit anymore.

Yours Truly, Your Boss

************

Dear Chick on her Cell Phone,

I hope next time you are texting and driving during rush hour, on icy streets, you crash into a light post. Sound harsh? Well, you almost crashed into me, and I'd rather I be alive than have you driving around yapping on your cell phone about the Jonas Brothers, or how so-an-so totally looked at your funny in class today.

Friends Forever, Abigail

************

Dear Smyrish,

If it wasn't for you, I'd go mad. Thank you for being at home today and letting me interrupt your work with kisses.

Love always, Your Wife

Dougal

2009-12-14T18:13:00.000-08:00

I never really thought about this whole H1N1 flu, or took it seriously at all, until today, when I found out that it killed a friend of mine.

To be honest, most of our pub crew never really knew Dougal all that well. He was the fat, funny guy, who liked his beer a bit too much. He said things that he probably shouldn't say at times, and made people wonder about him...but really, don't we all say and do things we shouldn't when we're drinking? I would say yes. If you don't agree, you are lying to yourself. At the same time though, for those of us who took the time to get to know him, knew that he was a big-hearted, genuine, all-around nice guy, who was just looking to fit in, and be loved.

Dougal and I were not super close, but we were friends nonetheless. We met at The Pub, on my 29th birthday. When Mr. Head introduced us, Dougal told me I was the prettiest birthday girl he had ever seen and kissed my hand. We ended up hanging out quite a bit over the next couple years, usually drinking beers and having a laugh. When we ran into each other, he always told me I was beautiful, that he was happy to see me, and I would blush. He would then tell me how great my husband was, and how lucky we were to have each other. He was one of the only people in the world, I actually believed when I was complimented.

Whether you knew it or not, if Dougal sat with you , talked to you, whatever, he liked you. If you were sad, he was sad with you, and if you were happy, he celebrated for you.

It really knocked me on my ass when I learned of his passing today. All I could think of was "But, he's my age." People our age aren't supposed to die yet. It's just not right. We're still kids..aren't we?

To quote a friend's Facebook status today: "R.I.P Dougal Ross, I hope wherever you are, the pints are cold and delicious." So, so long, Dougal. It was nice knowin' ya, and thanks for always making me feel special, for the bear hugs, and for making me laugh. The Pub just won't be the same without you.

For those who knew him: There will be no official funeral service, however Mr. Head has planned a wake, which will be held on Sunday, Dec. 20th @ 7pm, at O'Hanlon's.

Grace in Small Things #40

2009-12-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

1. The smell of brown sugar.

2. My good friend, Wench.

3. Harry Potter books that are waiting to be read.

4. A day with no commitments.

Oh Jebus, Xmas is Coming

2009-12-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

You can tell Christmas is coming, when everyone is stressed out, cranky and complaining about a lack of money.

I am trying to be all "zen" about Christmas this year. I have realized that there is no way in hell I can please everyone, and with the short amount of time I have off from work, I can't even really please myself, and do exactly what I wanted to do, which would be having at least a few days to see everyone, and go everywhere. From what I understand, that's just the way it goes, once you're a married adult who has a job.

This year I will not be able to go to Small Town for Christmas, and instead we will be going to Smyrish's dad's place on Christmas Day, and his mom's on Boxing Day, so we're still getting good meals, and time to visit relatives before I have to get back to work. We even get to throw a Boxing Day brunch in there with a couple friends who do not have family here, and for that, I am grateful. To me, my friends are family too. I am also grateful that I have a mother that understands that regular everyday life doesn't stop just because it's a holiday. She understands that I have to work, and that I only have a day and a half to do the Xmas thing, and we can always get together another time. It's too bad my brother GQ isn't as understanding, because it would make this year much easier on me. I've missed out on Christmas before due to work, weather or car troubles, and the world didn't end. It just sucks a little, not to be involved in the Christmas traditions we become so accustomed to, after years of doing those same things, and seeing the same people.

The first Christmas after my dad died, was when I learned that life changes, and things don't always stay the way you want them to stay. Christmas morning was strange and awkward for me, even though our routine didn't change much. He wasn't sitting on the couch in his robe, watching us as we opened our presents, giving us lame advice on what we should do with our new things. We didn't have to beg him to hurry up and open his presents, and I couldn't laugh and roll my eyes at his "surprised" look when he opened the day planner that he got from us every single year. We made Xmas brunch ourselves, instead of eating his greasy, but yummy, mess of eggs and bacon.

Things just kept changing even more after that. Relatives and friends that I was used to seeing every year, got married or moved away, had babies, or started new jobs. Now I am married, and have an even bigger family to include in Christmas plans, and possibly one day we will have our own children, and we will start our own Christmas traditions, and people will just have to roll with it.

That's life.

Blarg.

2009-12-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

You know that my paycheck isn't going to last until pay day, when I am staring at the contents of my kitchen cupboards, trying to invent a recipe that will make tuna, assorted beans, and butternut squash soup into a fabulous casserole that will feed us for at least a couple days.

Back in the day when my paycheck didn't last more than 48 hours, I was very creative in the kitchen. One winter I lived on, and came to enjoy, fried hashbrowns with ripped up tortilla shells, smothered in curry powder. Of course, there were the Mr. Noodle years, in which I learned to be very creative, adding frozen veggies and soya sauce for a "Chinese food night", or onions, dill and garlic powder for "Ukrainian Night". I still crave Mr. Noodles with Cheese Whiz from time to time, although once I have a bite, I am reminded that I only ate that glob of noodles and plastic cheese out of necessity, not because it is a culinary delight.

I rarely had any meat or vegetables in the fridge, because I just couldn't afford them, and couldn't afford to let them go to waste, in case I wasn't home. Pasta and rice come in bulk, and can last months, if rationed properly. The only condiments I ever had on hand were soya sauce and mustard, and occasionally mayonnaise, for those tuna sandwiches that I could afford to make from time to time.

Luckily, for the past couple years, I have not had to worry about not having food in the house. I am making fairly good money, and make a point of keeping the house stocked as best I can with good food. I have now turned into that person, who can look at a full refrigerator, and over-stocked cupboards, and say " Aw, there's nothing to eat", just because that one thing I'm craving isn't right in front of me.

However, on occasion, there comes a week like this. Exactly one week before pay day, I'm flat ass broke. I paid for my Cuba vacation, put winter tires on the car, paid all my bills like a good girl, and went on a short trip out of town to my mom's. To top it all off, now that I have nothing but the change at the bottom of my purse, poor little Patches Magee has an ear infection, and has to go to the vet today, which we all know is never cheap.

But don't feel bad for me. I ignored the fact that winter would eventually come, and didn't put away money for the tires. I already knew that I would have to pay for the Cuba trip this week, and I could have lived without my purchases that I made on my shopping spree in Small Town.

I just have to hope that this next week will fly by, and that nothing else comes up that requires money. It is much too cold out to be whoring myself on the corner with the other ladies of the night.

Fuck You, Winter

2009-12-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

Current Weather Updated: Tuesday, December 8, 2009, 9:00 CST - Regina International Airport

-33°C

A few clouds

Feels Like: -40
Wind: 6km/hr

Grace in Small Things #39

2009-11-30T22:44:00.000-08:00

Walking the dogs with my husband at midnight, in the perfect snowman building snow, and seeing their happy faces, and laughing at their fur filled with mini snowballs.

Lovely end to a not so lovely day.

I miss you, Mr. Oizo!

2009-11-28T20:07:00.001-08:00

Whatchadoin?

2009-11-28T20:05:00.001-08:00

Grace in Small Things #38

2009-11-27T09:40:00.000-08:00

1. I get to have an evening away from my telephone, work, the dogs, and house-cleaning. Smyrish and I are spending the night at the Moose Jaw Spa.

2. We will drink wine and eat cheese in our Jacuzzi room.

3. I packed some sexy things for us to play with while we are there. ;)

4. The dogs will be well taken care of. Their babysitter ( whom I am most grateful for today) has an evening of Italian food and Godfather movies planned.

It's a Girl!

2009-11-22T20:31:00.000-08:00

Yet again, I have the feeling that I have let down my mother, and my many mothers-in-law, in choosing to adopt a new fur baby, instead of giving birth to a human one.

However, she's darn cute, and fits right in to our little family. I figure, we now have a boy and a girl, so we're good for awhile. Or at least until our "practicing" to have real human babies pans out.

Her name is Maggie. She's 2 years old, can jump five feet in the air, and loves to hump the shit out of Patches, especially his face. He doesn't seem to mind.

Grace in Small Things #37

2009-11-19T23:01:00.000-08:00

1. Friends that don't try to rain on your parade. These friends actually are excited to hear news about your life and your future, instead of saying they are and then trying to derail your plans with their negativity.

2. Those lovely folks on Etsy that sell supplies I just can't seem to find here in this town.

3. New pens.

4. My new storage cupboard. (Thanks, husband!)

5. That lovely little werewolf from the Twilight movies....why do you have to be so young? You are making me feel like a dirty old cougar. But, you are pretty cute, so it's not my fault.

6. We're going to Cuba on January 19th! Woot!

Etsy News

2009-11-19T11:31:00.000-08:00

I am just pleased as punch with my new Etsy banners, avatars and business cards (that I need to get printed!) and wanted to show them off.

Thanks to Cutesy Pixels for the design and the work that went into them!

I am working hard at getting my stuff organized, and getting new, better photos taken, so the shop can be properly up and running as soon as possible.

Cheers!

Dream Exhaustion

2009-11-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

I had a dreamed filled night last night. One of those nights where you feel as if you've been constantly dreaming...hopping from place to place, not really knowing when one dream ends and the other begins. When I have these nights, I wake up exhausted, as if I hadn't slept at all.

My night started out with a recurring dream I have been having, about Frank, the ghost at my workplace. Every few nights he pops in to my head, introduces himself ( I think you already know me, I am Frank ____, from work.") He will then introduce me to his wife, who's name I never remember by the time I wake up, and then inform me that the reason he hangs around the group home, is because his farm used to be on that land. I usually wake up at this point and try to remember what he said his last name was. Last night, I did not however, and all of a sudden, I was at Santa Monica Pier.

I'm guessing that Smyrish and I were living around there, because there were a ton of people who had come down to visit. My brother Filmstar and my friend Lynn were looking to buy some roller coasters, and bring them back to Small Town...they figured they had a money making scheme on their hands. Apparently, roller coasters are big money in rural Saskatchewan!

Lynn had brought her husband with her, so he could haul all these roller coasters back for her and Filmstar. He wasn't interested in the business part of it, so I took him out on the town. We were joined by V-man and Wench at what seemed to be a rough looking small town bar. After a few drinks, the husband started putting the moves on me, (which he would never do in real life). I screamed for V-man, but he was nowhere to be seen. After quite an argument and struggle, I grabbed a screwdriver, stabbed him in the shoulder, and ran to my car. He seemed unfazed, just yelling after me that we should be together, and he would get me, no matter what he had to do.

And then, I was at work. I sat and had an interesting conversation with one resident (who is non-verbal, by the way), and she told me she had heard about the incident with Lynn's husband, and that she knew he was like that all along, she just hadn't said anything. We proceeded to drink a bottle of wine together, talked about things that have happened between us the past few years, and then she told me she had to go back to being autistic. All of a sudden, she was non-verbal again, and acting like she does on any given day, and I was livid. I wanted her to be "normal", just for a little while longer.

My alarm went off, but I turned it off . I didn't feel like getting up early this morning, so I went back to sleep.

I was in the old record store in Small Town, looking through the cassette tapes. I saw a pile of Nirvana CD's in a bin, and decided that I needed "In Utero", and proceeded to buy 5 copies of it.*

Then.....

Smyrish and I were camping. We had the VW, and a child with us. Neither of us knew the child, but we let him hang out with us anyways. We fed him, and took him fishing, and introduced him to all of our friends that were camping down the road from us. Beckstar said that we had to keep him. It was a rule that if a child appeared out of nowhere when you were in nature, you had to keep them, as they were destined to be yours anyways. I argued with her about how ridiculous that was, and went looking for his parents. After what seemed like hours of walking in the dark campground, talking with the child, I realized he truly had just appeared. Maybe Beckstar was right, and I did have to keep him.

And then, I felt someone lay on the bed, and smelled grapefruit, and pulled myself from my deep sleep to see Smyrish laying in bed eating and talking to the dog. I briefly thought about trying to go back to sleep to find out what happened with the mystery kid, but figured I'd just start a new dream entirely, so I got up, made coffee, and wrote this post.

* I realized after I wrote this, that I actually don't own any Nirvana on CD. I have everything on tape. I can't even listen to In Utero now! Boo-urns!

Abigail Interviews the Princess of the Universe

2009-11-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

When Neil announced that he was doing The Great Interview Experiment again, I jumped right on that bandwagon. Last time was so much fun, and I found some great new blogs to read over my morning coffee and in the middle of the night after I had too much to drink. It also brought me some new readers, which I must admit was a nice boost to the blog ego. Oh, and I think I would probably do almost anything Neil asked of me, because he's just one cool cat. ( Neil, I said almost anything.)

I had the pleasure of interviewing someone who was not only a Canadian prairie dweller like myself, but after reading her blog for hours, I realized that I also had a lot in common with her. So much so, that this interview almost ended up being full of serious questions about losing a parent, weight, shit jobs, and so on. I decided it was best to keep the creepy stalker-ish questions to myself and not scare someone I don't know, so I kept the interview light and fluffy. ( just like her baking). I am positive that once I catch up on her archives, I'll have her answers to the more serious things I was wondering about anyways.

And now, without further adieu...

In your most recent post, you admitted to being an 80's hair band junkie.Will you be catching Guns 'n' Roses while they are tour this winter?

Are they coming to Winnipeg? Hmmm...I doubt it though, I saw them in high school and that may have been enough for me!

As a coffee and cigarette addict myself, as well as a person who loves her beer, I have to ask....why did you give those things up?

Well, I never did smoke, so that was a non-issue. Beer - I keep trying sips of it, and it's always given me an "eeeewww" reaction. As for coffee? Well, I was always told that I was "too young" to drink it, then no one ever told me the magic day that I was old enough. I guess I just never really started. I do love the smell though :)

Tell us about your "experimental" baking.

I like seeing a photo somewhere and seeing if I can re-create it. I saw a chocolate covered cherry cheesecake photo once, and just pulled bits from various recipes that had all the elements and...voila! It was sort of a success. Kinda...

Winnipeg sometimes gets a bad rap...what with the cold winters, killer mosquitoes, floods, crime and so on. What do you love most about Winnipeg?

Hmmm, it's small, so I can generally find everything. I get lost REALLY easily. And yeah, I'm serious. That is my favourite thing :)

When you were a child, did you have an imaginary friend?

Not really. I think I had far more faith in the tangible. I never really "bought" Santa Claus or the tooth fairy etc either.

If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why?

I'd like to go back to England, I don't feel like I had time to really do it justice. It has so much history, I can't imagine ever being bored living there...

What's yummier? Bannock or poutine?

Poutine. Hands down. Not that I eat that anymore. :P

From reading your blog, I learned that you are very interested in your family's history. Are there any resources that you use to learn more about your genealogy?

My grandmothers on both sides lived in small communities that put together "Our First 100 Years" books - those gave me a lot of hints on where to start. Then I started ordering from Vital Stats - often something like a death cert will include parents names and place of birth etc, so you can work backwards from there...

As of right now, what are the three things in life that are making you the happiest?

Losing weight, working on my Master's application (weird!) and the beautiful man I'm on 2 committees with at work :P

If you want to learn more about The Princess of the Universe, check out her awesome blog at
http://winnipegprincess.blogspot.com

The Never-Ending Weight Issue

2009-11-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

This morning I checked my email, and found a message from www.dailyburn.com , telling me that I should enter my weight loss progress. The message went on to say that although I track my meals and workouts, tracking my weight loss as well will be a huge motivator for me, reminding me what a great job I am doing.

Well Daily Burn, I am not tracking my weight loss, because other than the five pounds I lost a couple months ago, I have not lost anything else. So there.

It is quite disheartening.

I started tracking my food intake and exercise regularly quite awhile ago. I have learned that I exercise no less than three times per week, and no more than six. I only eat pasta (whole grain) every 2 weeks, sometimes less. My rice intake has gone down quite a bit as well. When I was still eating meat daily, my protein intake was where it should be (120g-205g per day), but now I am not getting enough. (usually between 100g-120g per day). My carb intake is just right for my age, height and weight loss goal, usually coming in at 156 g per day. My daily caloric intake as a whole since I stopped eating meat has been extremely low ( 1400-1900 per day, some days as low as 900), but my fat intake is up...most likely due to salad dressings, and eating more eggs than usual to get that protein in. I am now paying closer attention to those "hidden" fats, to see what I can cut out, or what is good and should be in my diet.

Usually one day a week I do indulge. I drink beer or wine, eat food that isn't healthy (pizza, salty things), and usually the day after that is the day that I do not exercise at all. So yes, I admit, I am not as healthy as I should be. Those things shouldn't be a part of my life at all. But seriously, you would think that all the exercise and eating rabbit food would pay off in some way.

What am I supposed to do???

Grace in Small Things #36

2009-11-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

1. A hangover free weekend.

2. Super strong coffee and visiting with my fabulous cousin Neener.

3. Being able to wear sweatpants and a bandanna to work this morning.

4. Sunday evening adult only swim @ the pool!

5. Febreeze. The greatest invention in my lifetime. To me, anyways.

Grace in Small Things #35

2009-11-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

After a shit-tastic day at work, constant stomach pains that seem to have no cause, and coming home to dog poop on the floor, I had a hard time thinking of something good about my life, even though there are many good things in my life.

Then all of a sudden, I had a flashback of watching The Palinode sing and dance to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" last Saturday night at the House of Pain, and all was right with the world again. That boy sure does know his Wham!.

Grace in Small Things #34

2009-11-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

1. Having a table to sit at out in the courtyard.

2. The sun is shining, and there isn't a foot of snow on the ground.

3. Although they were fun, I am happy that birthday week and Halloween are over.

4. Allrecipes.com, VegWeb.com and fatfreevegan.com . They have been a huge help in giving me ideas as of what to cook, now that we're trying to be vegetarian and all.

Grace in Small Things #33

2009-11-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

1. Daydreaming all day long.

2. Twilight books ( yes, you heard me right, I am actually reading them all and enjoying them)

3. Puppy kisses.

4. Laughing at puppy farts.

5. My super sturdy new bookshelf.

6. Green tea.

7. Friends that will go watch dick tricks with you. ;)

8. Sales at Old Navy.

9. A small wage increase, is still an increase.

10. Travel books.

A Post in Which I Show You Pictures of My Dog

2009-10-28T22:17:00.001-07:00

My dog has a bit of an attitude problem lately.

If he isn't sleeping on the couch, he's up and about, eating garbage, pooping all over the place, or hiding rotting food in his doggy bed for a special meal at a later date, among other things.

If you yell at him, send him to his kennel, spank his bum, or threaten death upon him, he either turns his head around backwards to ignore you, or barks back. He's really mouthy lately, has an answer for everything. Sometimes, he'll even slap my face, so I've started to threaten the same thing. When I do threaten him, I sound like Stewart's mother from Mad TV.

You'd think that he'd be grateful. We buy him expensive food, take him to the vet when he needs to go, give him treats, take him for car rides and walks, and I have even given up, and let him sleep on my pillow every night. But no, he's still a bad boy. Fucking teenagers, and their know-it-all attitudes.

* No worries though, I do love my Patches with all my heart. He's just bad to the bone, a rebel without a cause....and he knows it. He also knows he's cute as a button, and all will be forgiven, as long as he does something sweet or silly. He's a smart little fucker.

Grace in Small Things #32

2009-10-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

1. Veggie ground round.

2. My mom being healthy.

3. Etsy purchases when they come in the mail. Even though these aren't for me, it was still exciting, and I can't wait until Xmas when I can give them to those special people.

4. Doing my laundry at work. Sure, it's not allowed...but I just don't give a shit.

5. Daydreaming of California, and what it will be like when we move there.....

The Exercise Schedule

2009-10-25T21:25:00.001-07:00

Although I have been pretty good at getting a lot of swimming done every week since I got back from California, I decided tonight that I really needed to have some sort of schedule, to properly keep exercise a part of my day, as well as add in some new exercises that my body needs. It can be hard to keep on track, what with an ever-changing work schedule, being on-call, exhausted from extra shifts, and so on. Also, soon it will be cold....and all Saskatchewan residents know that once it freezes over, it is extremely hard to feel motivated to do anything other than lay on the couch, and try and stay warm.

So, I present you with.....the weekly exercise schedule.

I have posted it on my fridge, I have posted it on dailyburn.com, and I am now posting it here.

Monday - Aquacise, 6pm.
Tuesday - Yoga at home, or recumbent bike at the gym
Wednesday - Weights at home, or weights at the gym
Thursday - Yoga at home, or recumbent bike at the gym
Friday - Aquacise, 9:30am
Saturday - walk outside, or walk at the track
Sunday - Swimming, 6:30pm

( Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are the hardest to plan, as I am on-call, and work til midnight each day. I kept it simple, and will try to add on a swim or walk if at all possible)

Extras, that I already do, or will be doing:

Dog walks, daily
Swimming at work, 1-2 times a week, for 45 minutes
Deep Water Workout class, after Monday aquacise, from Nov 2 - Dec 14
Walks at work, at least 1x per week

Nutrition Rules:
No chips
No fast food
I will not keep beer in the house
I will try, as much as my schedule will allow, not to eat after 9pm

Feel free to be annoying and ask me how I am doing, and if I am slacking, breaking the rules, losing weight, feeling better, feeling worse, whatever. Your questions will motivate me not to quit.

5 on the 25

2009-10-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

A few random sentences, for a few random folks that I adore.....

1. If your birthday party is as fun as it was last year, I will have to be prepared for a Tuesday hangover. I hope you have a good one!

2. I am so grateful for everything you do for me. You really have no idea. I don't know what I did to be so lucky.

3. I know, I saw you in June, but that seems so long ago! I can't wait to see you on Friday and catch up! Halloween is going to be so much better with you here to party with!

4. Seeing your smiling, glowing face on Thursday night, made my week.

5. You live so close, and yet I haven't seen you in ages it seems. We need to remedy this situation soon, I'm going through withdrawal.